


your hands are mine to hold

by lemonomin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Happy Ending, M/M, Moving On, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 37,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24336661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonomin/pseuds/lemonomin
Summary: In which Lee Jeno couldn't balance his thoughts and emotions after Kim Doyoung left him over a phone call. Through what Jeno thinks is the saddest moment of his life, Jaemin is there to hold his hand."There's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart that you can't trust."
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 76





	1. 1.

for your reference here's 

\- [jaemin](https://i.pinimg.com/236x/42/12/48/421248d794887d737cb5d4a7bd152a18.jpg) , [jeno](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/fb/ec/f2/fbecf244ccab56d61b3dab4f03f6108a.jpg)

  
  
  
It sucks when everything had to change one day when you wake up.

Losing something is much crueler than never having it, Jeno realizes, when he reaches for the certain warmth on the side of the bed but his palm is met with the coldness of the sheets. It strange to not be awaken by the sound of little snores that he got used to, that which sounds like a pleasant lullaby that could pull him back to sleep. It's quiet in the kitchen when there should be the soft sound of newspaper turning pages, the familiar voice of someone letting him know of the latest news and current events that Jeno barely pay attention to, but the sound of it enough to make Jeno smile. It's lonely, too, the cup of coffee in the table when there should be two. 

Apparently, no amount of beer can appease the turmoil that's been in Jeno's head for three weeks now. Jeno is empty. Like there was a dark void that keeps consuming all that he was. 

  
The coffee tastes like that of burnt leaf of beans that had been roasted longer than it should. Or it could just be his tongue that's been burned by the deceptive drink that is vodka to which Jeno chow down like water last. Or maybe it's just his head refusing the idea of any other existence ever since _he'd_ left.

  
There's a knock on the door and Jeno stares at it for a minute before he opens up. It was Na Jaemin. With his funny pink hair and a smile that's too bright at ten o'clock in the morning. 

  
  
"Good morning, sunshine. "

  
Jeno only startles upon hearing his voice. It's Na Jaemin and it's been awhile. The person who's been with Jeno at his best and stayed with him through his worsts. The person who'd known of Jeno's odd behaviours and the witness of his weaknesses he never shown anyone, not even Donghyuck. It's a miracle that he's standing in front of Jeno now, with arms wide open, like Jeno hadn't turn his back on him. It's a stir of surprise and shame and Jeno isn't sure how to react so, for better or for worse, he holds the door and about the shut it on Jaemin's face but the younger stops his wrists.

  
  
  


"Oi oi, Lee Jeno. That's not how you greet your friend you avoided for a year because your sad excuse of a brain, _really_ cute brain, decides moving in with your boyfriend--oh, ex-boyfriend-- will help save all the stray cats around here in Seoul." 

  
  


When Jaemin beams up at him, that's when Jeno gives out and he lunges to bury his face on Jaemin's chest, "Jaemin-ah, I'm so sorry." The weight of the guilt in all those months he abandoned his closest friend for someone he once thought holds the world in his eyes, but only left Jeno with a broken heart. Honestly, it wasn't much of an explanation to their circle of friends, _"His major is too different from mine and our schedules overlap that I barely see him in our apartment and we didn't have to stay with each other."_ , he remembers telling Donghyuck and Renjun who gave him skeptical look but didn't ask him to explain further. Jeno even once thought Jaemin stopped caring about him and Jaemin simply stopped hanging out with them. Jisung, too, who has the same major with him, and Jeno believed he keeps a close relationship with Jaemin and he sees them together all the time. Jisung’s demeanor towards Jeno hasn’t changed, though, he’s still kind and there’s the same spark in his eyes of his regard the way Jisung looks at Jeno from the first day they met so he doubts Jaemin tells him _anything_ ; if ever Jaemin had opened to him about his anger or disappointment of Jeno for suddenly moving out and cutting ties with him. There are no better words to spell out why Jeno left Jaemin to live with his boyfriend. But it wasn't that shallow. It was something deeper he never gets to tell Jaemin and he hopes this is his chance. 

  
  
"H-hey, not th-- shit-- my shirt!" Jaemin yelps when Jeno starts to sob but guides him inside to the couch.

  
It takes about ten minutes before Jeno decides to quit his crying upon noticing the scale down of Jaemin's breathing beneath him. Jeno's full weight is on Jaemin's chest, and the younger didn't say anything and keep his protective arms on Jeno's back, rubbing circles whenever Jeno lets out his ugly sobs. In fact, Jeno's knowledge knows throughout their years of friendship, that Jaemin is quiet whenever he doesn't understand anything or when he doesn't like what's going on. Jeno hopes it's not the latter, and hopes it's his chance to make sense to Jaemin once again, by explaining his side. 

  
  
  


Jeno pulls away and looks at the damp on the chest of Jaemin's white shirt. It's hard to breathe with all the snot in his nose and he decides to blow it on the hem of Jaemin's shirt. 

  
  
  


"Shit! Jeno!" Jaemin screams in disgust, discarding the shirt off him quick and throwing it on Jeno's face. 

  
  
  


Jaemin's body wasn't as hard rock as he remembered and he wondered why until he saw the muscles on Jaemin's stomach that looks very much refined. Out of curiosity, Jeno raises his shirt up to check on his own stomach to compare and he ignores the way Jaemin looks at him funny when Jeno sighed to it. 

It's cold in his flat and Jeno realises Jaemin might be cold and is very much naked right now so he goes to his room brings him a shirt. 

"Thank you.”

For a brief moment, in the silence of the closed doors, they just stare at each other before Jeno's stomach starts to grumble and Jaemin smiles at him, "I'd cook for you. But first things first, do you have anything you want to tell me?"

Jeno nods like a little kid who's been asked if he wants candy. 

"So, Kim Doyoung, huh?"

He falls silent for a moment and it sucks how he laments about it so much that he couldn't even put his lips into a thin line with just the mention of the name. He swats Jaemin's hands away when he makes a move to flick at his lips. 

"I've wanted to tell you a long time ago, really."

"Really?" Jaemin mocks.

  
  


Jeno scowls at him. "Stop. I know it's stupid of me to leave you alone in our flat but--"

  
  


"Indeed."

  
  


"Stop interrupting me. Please."

  
  


"Okay, continue."

  
"About Doyoung..I... You sort of knew him, do you?" Jeno bit his bottom lip.

  
  


Jaemin hums. "He's the guy who almost run you over with a car when we were freshmen."

  
  


"Yeah, but, he took me to the hosp--"

  
  


"No, Jeno. I took you to the hospital. He paid the bills."

  
  


"Yeah, but still.."

  
  


"You hated him."

  
  


"Yeah I did. I mean, now, I do so I just---" Jeno sighs out loud. He really can't argue with Jaemin sometimes. Jaemin brooded about the accident more than Jeno does way back that he had to stop Jaemin from punching Doyoung every time they would stumble over him at the campus. 

  
"I just don't understand what made you look at him differently. He almost killed you." Jaemin says and looks anywhere in the room but Jeno.

  
"It's when I volunteered at the animal sanctuary at the uni, if you remembered on summer when you—-well, we travelled together a lot and he was there and I don't know. Jaemin. It just happened. You'll never know how you'll feel towards a person next. It was embarrassing to even tell you that I liked him that time because you're so mad at him and you're going to think that I'm crazy, because like what you always say, he almost killed me." Jeno lets out. He didn't mean to keep it from Jaemin. He didn't want to move out without telling him while Jaemin was out of the country on vacation with his mother, because he knows himself. He knows Jaemin. He knows if Jaemin tells him to stop, then he would stop and wouldn't be with Doyoung. This time, Jeno hoped that should have been the case. But even if there wasn't a complex past, he still doubts he could tell Jaemin with all the insecurities scattered around his chest. "And I'm scared... I was so scared what you would think of me if you find out. Like--you hate him-- and I know you wouldn't support it so I just--"

Jaemin hooks at the back of his collar and pulls him back to the couch with a soft thump. 

  
"That's your reason?" Jaemin looks at him mug eyed. "Jen, I've always thought you were smarter than that."

"Wh-what does that supposed to mean?" Jeno holds his breath.

  
"You're saying you left my flat and stopped talking to me for one year because you think I'm gonna what—judge you or something?" 

He wouldn’t. Jeno knows.

Jaemin didn’t let Jeno answer and reaches out to lift his chin instead, angling Jeno’s face as he studies him with that scrutinizing gaze. “You.. you’re sober..aren’t you?” Jaemin says with his stern voice. Despite his charming and generous aura, Jaemin can be so intimidating if he’s serious. Actually, he looks like those guys you know you shouldn’t mess with if he’s not smiling.

  
“Jaemin.” Jeno says to snap Jaemin out of it but his gentle fingers remains on Jeno’s chin as their eyes meet. “I fell hard. It’s stupid, I know. He became my whole life that I so much wanted to be with him and no one else.” _Not even you._ He bit his bottom lip. The reminder weighs on his chest heavy, and Jeno would admit he still feel that way towards Doyoung if he would ask that now. “I just loved him so much—so much— I still love him now.”

Jaemin’s pulls away and his eyes linger on Jeno’s for a brief moment before his looks elsewhere, nibbling on one side of his bottom lip as a habit. “I figured. Last year’s summer, right? That’s why you never picked up my calls or read my texts when I was in Hong Kong with my mom and when I get back to our apartment, you were gone and I didn’t know where to find you. If it wasn’t for Yangyang who told me you moved in with Doyoung. I never knew what was wrong until now. I thought I did something. And it turns out you just didn't want me to go against your decisions. Jeno, you’ve left me in the dark for a long time. Just, what am I to you?” 

  
A surge of guilt pinches the back of Jeno's neck. Jaemin has all the right to feel upset or even angry. Throughout the years, he had let Jaemin all the way in everything about him but not this one. And he hopes that much that he could convey to Jaemin why when he reaches for Jaemin's hand on the couch and tells him, "I trust you more than anyone, Jaemin. But I.. I didn't want to disappoint you. I know it’s hard to believe but I—I want to tell you—I just lost my guts all the time. I’m sorry, Jaemin.

Jeno felt lost when Jaemin disentangle their hands since maybe Jeno's reason wasn't plausible enough to make up for all those times he neglected him. But maybe he does forgive Jeno, when Jaemin placed a hand on his head and tells him, "Must've been hard to think about it for a long time. I'm sorry you had to keep it all to yourself, Jeno."

  
“I fell in love with the wrong person, didn’t I?”

Jaemin hummed. “Let me entertain you until you forget that person.”

**From: big baNANA**

jen hey ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

wait do u even still have my number or did u blcoked me lol (ง'̀-'́)ง

**To: big baNANA**

yes 

  
**From: big baNANA**

  
yay u didn’t block me (ಥ﹏ಥ)

  
  
  
  
**To: big baNANA**

When are you going to change ur nickname

  
  
**From: big baNANA**

never (◕‿◕✿)

hey so i’ll come pick u up tomorrow at noon and lets have brunch somewhere? 

**To: big baNANA**

sure

True to his words, Jaemin shows up at exactly 12 noon by the time Jeno is still in the shower and he kept whining for him to hurry which on the contrary, became a good thing that Jeno in haste forgot his wallet and Jaemin had to pay for their orders. Jaemin scowls at him, saying Jeno had to treat him for his time and entertainment and not the other way around and Jeno just laughs. Jaemin’s glares at him are always empty and he even insist to make Jeno eat the spicy popsicle that’s being sold at one of the trucks near the plaza. 

  
“I hate you.” Jeno says, lips burning and swollen from the mix of cold and spice that lingers in his mouth. 

  
“I didn’t think you’d actually eat it, Jeno.” Jaemin says, eyes still wide from shock of how loud Jeno screamed once the ice hits his mouth. “And stop lying, I know you love me.” Jaemin says, still staring at Jeno's lips.  
  
  
  
  


Around three in the afternoon when they arrived back at Jeno’s apartment and Jaemin suggests to play on Jeno’s PC in his room and Jeno set it up for him, the earphones and the keyboard were carefully set on a box. But it was left unnoticed when he finds Jaemin inspecting through the books on the shelf beside his bed.

  
  


“This doesn’t belong to you, right?” Jeno walks over him to check the book he’s holding out. It was a book about animals’ internal medicines. “And this one, too.” The other book title reads as Exotic Animal Formulary. 

  
Jeno crouched down next to Jaemin, scanning the books now placed on the floor. The books belongs to Doyoung, the first one Jeno bought for him that he ordered online and the other, a book they stumbled over on a book sale last December Doyoung was really excited about saying he’d saw one online that was three times the price at the fair. Doyoung loves to read, loves to research, he loves animals and cats as much as Jeno does, and on his first year as a veterinarian, he’d told Jeno everything he knows about the animals and anything that happens in the clinic he works with all the fondness. They celebrated it when Doyoung’s research was published in Brunei and the night before he had to leave the country, he told Jeno how thankful he was that Jeno was there through all his hardships and success and how much he will miss him. And with one last kiss, after that night, and in the morning before Doyoung left for the airport, he called Jeno and told him the good bye Jeno didn’t think he would hear him say, _“I love you Jeno, and I want you to truly be happy even if I can’t be with you anymore.”_

  
  
“I haven’t really told you what happened, right?” Jeno starts, making Jaemin look up at him. 

  
“I mean, maybe you wouldn’t want to.” 

Jeno sighed. “I knew from the beginning that he didn’t like me as much as I like him but...I just take what I can get.” 

  
Jaemin hummed and didn’t say anything. 

“So it wasn’t unlikely that he will choose his career over me, but still, here I am, crying over him.” Jeno says. He scoots so he could rest his back on the bed, watching Jaemin’s thin frame crouched down at the shelf. The shirt he wears is oversized, like always, though still outlining the sharp bones in his back. 

“That’s okay.” Jaemin replies. “Every one would make that mistake. I, too, would.” Then he looks at Jeno. "Even if it’s the littlest of love, if it’s the person we want it from, we will take it.” 

  
There’s something intangible about the way Jaemin says it and Jeno wonders if it’s because he’s been in the same situation, or that he just wanted to make Jeno feel better. But something tells Jeno it’s the latter, so he smiles at Jaemin who only snorts at him. 

For a week, Jaemin had been a regular in Jeno’s flat. Often times he’d drag Jeno out and take him anywhere to eat, like that stall at a night market where Jaemin dared him to eat [beondaegi](https://live.staticflickr.com/2499/3959328856_c4e6a9c9bb_z.jpg) and he almost threw up, regretting it right away. He thought it was some fish chips until the vendor says it was a silkworm lava which was too late because Jeno already swallowed the half of it. Jaemin was a laughing mess, running away when Jeno dabs him on the chest. They only calmed later on when later Jeno found a shooting gallery where they try to win the Nerf Shotgun prize but after spending a good amount of actual money for the pellets, Jaemin decides to get it over it and they loomed over the candies the lady behind the counter gave them. They called it a night and Jaemin waited until Jeno’s bus arrived. 

Jaemin can be utterly annoying sometimes. The next days, he’d crash into Jeno’s flat with his shoes on saying his kicks are “Too expensive to be thrown on the racks.” and Jeno will have to redo the scrubbing on the floor. He’d eat any sweets he could find in Jeno’s fridge, the Haribo jellies included much to Jeno’s dismay. And he’d use the kitchen and leave all the mess without shame. Honestly, if it wasn’t for his divine cooking afterwards, Jeno had banned him long time ago. Thinking about that, Jeno really should’ve done it and live a Jaemin-less life he’d been sporting for months. Last night, Jaemin crashed in and it takes all of Jeno’s strength to lift him up from the door entrance to the couch. Though Jeno believed he’s bulkier than Jaemin, but they’re still pretty much the same weight and God knows how heavy Jaemin is despite how thin he actually looks. Jaemin is too spent to even drink the glass of water Jeno lent him or to construct any proper sentences so when Jeno is certain he’s sleeping, Jeno goes back to his room. He couldn’t sleep, not when he can hear Jaemin’s groaning and it wasn’t a few minutes until he’s barging in Jeno’s room and slumped down on the bed. He almost fell on the floor if it wasn’t for Jeno’s arm reflex to catch him midway. His hands were persistent too, getting a hold of Jeno and pulling him back and Jeno is lucky Jaemin fell asleep again that he’s able to escape and lock him inside the room and Jeno curled on the couch with a heavy heart. It’s been a tiring day, finalising his schedule at the uni for this semester and buying school supplies at a jam packed mall all by himself. The faintness is already too much and Jaemin didn’t have to appear at 1 am to add up to his fatigue when he should be resting. 

Jeno is sat by the couch when Jaemin with his terrible bed hair, shirtless with Jeno’s blanket wrapped around his waist he remembered washing the other day, comes running out of his room. He looked at Jeno, who’s citron tea begins to cold in his hands. 

“Jeno! Shit. Why am I—-“ Jaemin turns around for a second and loosen the blanket on his waist and tucks it tight before facing Jeno again. “Great, I’m not naked.” 

Jeno rolled his eyes and slumps at the back rest when Jaemin runs back to his room and slams the door. In a minute, he’s out with a shirt on and wearing Jeno’s jersey shorts from high school he kept on a bunk under his bed.

“Well this shit’s really tight I —— wait. Jen. Why are you crying?! I—I’m sorry.” 

  
Sadly, Jeno hadn’t realized this until Jaemin who jumps on the couch next to him and there are careful fingers brushing at the corner of his eyes. “I—I wasn’t...I just...” His next words are muffled when Jaemin pulled him down to the crook of his neck. The position was uncomfortable and he didn’t want to be so vulnerable in front of him but he didn’t push away because Jaemin was warm and he feels safe here with all his secrets. “It’s just that... it’s been tiring lately and last night..you were...you were so annoying.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jaemin mutters with a sigh. “I must’ve shown the wrong address to the taxi driver.”

  
“Stupid.”

“Like you.”

Jeno swore the horror in Donghyuck’s face couldn’t beat that of Ussop’s in that One Piece episode. Like he was in the midst of surprise and disgusted at the same time when he’s found him and Jaemin entangled to each other in the couch. That’s when Jeno realised he hadn’t tell his friends that he starts talking to Jaemin again. The semester had just ended and it’s six weeks from now till the new semester starts so he assumes it’s easier to tell everyone that they made up if they just find them together at the campus. To be honest, Jeno hasn’t prepared an answer yet. 

  
“What going on?” Donghyuck asked another time when they were at the kitchen. They left Jaemin at the couch who kept groaning about his hangover and warning Donghyuck he could hear from the living room if he ever tries to talk shit to Jeno about him. 

  
“Well, he just, you know came here last week and we just started talking like that. And, well.” Jeno sighs and focused back on the porridge he’s trying to make. He knows it’s not close to being edible but that’s all he can offer to Jaemin’s hangover. 

“So, did he like, finally confessed to you? Are you like together now?

  
“What—what do you mean he confessed? What are you saying?” Jeno scowls at him.

“You know you never really told anyone why you stopped talking to him so I assumed you rejected him. All I can think about now is that you finally realised you feel the same way that’s why he’s—-“

“Wait, Hyuck. Stop being weird. There’s nothing like that, ok? I stopped talking to him because I dated Doyoung, the guy he hates, that’s that. You need to stop imagining things. You sounds cra—“

“Am I crazy or are you?” Donghyuck challenges, crossing his arms from the counter across Jeno. “I’ve been telling you for a long time that he likes you and it’s obvious and you’re being dumb about—“

  
“Stop. Stop it.” Jeno glowers with a heavy sigh. It didn’t make sense at all. The only reason Jaemin and him could cope with each other’s bullshit despite the distance was that the friendship they’ve carried ever since Jeno can remember the beginning of the memories of his childhood. “That’s highly unlikely and impossible and he might hear you and might think we’re weird so stop.”

“Fine, then.” Donghyuck pretends to zip his mouth. “I swear to god Jeno, if you two end up together, I’m going to cut your dick. I’m going to feed it to the—-“

“Hey, what the fuck do you want from Jeno’s dick!?” Jaemin is by the kitchen door by now, striding to where Donghyuck is and Donghyuck sends Jeno a look like it’s the exact thing he’s been trying to tell him. “What are you even doing here?”

“No, it’s you. What are you doing here, Jaemin? Shouldn’t you be out there running after Jisung’s panties!?” 

"What the fuck did you just--"  
  
  
  
  
"I said what I said!"  
  
  
  
  
“The knives are up in this drawer.” Jeno says, pointing at the shelf above the stove. “Go kill each other if you want to, but take it outside, okay? It’ll be a mess if you murder each other here. I’m going back to sleep.”

Jeno retires to his room, ignoring the frantic banters of Jaemin and Donghyuck who seemingly ignored his exit and Jeno remembers hissing at how loud they were before he finally falls back to sleep. 

  
The weather was nasty when he wakes by the sound of the heavy rain. The warmth on his back tells him Jaemin was there and when he looks, Jaemin is on his phone who barely glances at him before quirking a funny face. It feels lighter with Jaemin there, despite the raging thunder up above, it’s like Doyoung couldn’t hurt him. Jeno relaxes with a sigh, half smiling at Jaemin’s presence and backs away to lie on his back. Jaemin is the type of person who enjoys touches, closeness, or any physical contact that could convey his affection to literally anything or anyone. He’s always been loving, good with the kids, tender to older people and cuddly to his friends. 

“Even in my dreams, Doyoung still left me.” Jeno closes his eyes. He doesn’t know when he could stop talking about it, exposing his beaten heart to Jaemin, as much as he needed it to let loose. These are things he couldn’t tell Donghyuck, even if he knows Donghyuck wouldn’t judge him. 

“If you don’t take him back, he won’t leave you again.”

Jeno snorts. “That’s not possible, Jaemin. There’s no way he will come back. I know it the moment he starts to walk away that night.” 

“Jeno.” Jaemin shuffles and Jeno freezes when he felt Jaemin hovered above him, face too close against his, his weight and eyes too heavy for Jeno to bear. He does this to intimidate and mostly to Jeno when he wanted the truth. “That or you just want him back?”

Jeno usually avoids it. He always avoids it. Not wanting to give in to Jaemin’s desires to make people yield to him. But this time, Jeno stares back, unblinking and tells Jaemin, “You know I want him back.”

  
That’s the truth they both know even before the question was asked, maybe that’s what Jaemin wanted to hear too. But there’s something unreadable with his expression when he backs away and jumps out of Jeno’s bed. “You must be hungry. Should I make you food?”

  
**From: big baNANA**

jen 

It’s the last chapter from the book he’s been reading if the Doyoung mishap hadn’t happened and Jeno, unable to sleep, fiddles with his cat bookmark before deciding to precede his reading. It’s 1am and he initially ignores it when his phone buzzed, a message notification from Jaemin. He’s probably drunk somewhere and asking Jeno to pick him up but it’s too cold and he’s too lazy to get up. When it buzz the second time, Jeno finally puts his book down and thinking of replying when the message says, 

**From: big baNANA**

aside from being cute and sexy what else do u do for the living (づ￣ ³￣)づ

Jeno groans inwardly and shuffles in his bed to put the book down in his desk, turning off the lamp. There’s a custom rabbit print on the bottom of it’s shade, the one they bought on sale with a free pen, and maybe he should give both back to Doyoung. Jeno sighs for that’s all he can do for now. He hates himself when there’s automatic tears that fell on his left cheek and he wipes it with the back of his hands. When was the last time Jeno didn’t feel this crazy? Maybe if he stops wondering if Doyoung is in another’s arms now. It’s insane how jealousy prickles to his chest even if it’s something he doesn’t know is real or not. The urge of throwing up, the sleepless nights, the sudden crying, and it’s ironic how in his 21 years of being alive on Earth, only one person is capable to make him feel so much at once. Jeno’s ears numbs at the thoughts and he opts to entertain Jaemin for distraction. 

  
**To: big baNANA**

What do u want?

It wasn’t a minute passed when Jeno was waiting for a reply when he received a call instead. Trying his best to sound natural when he answers, “What’s up?”

  
There’s shuffling on the other’s side for long seconds before Jaemin answers, _“Hey, Jeno. You weren’t home in the afternoon when I went there so I figured you miss me that’s why I called.”_

Jeno pauses. “Bye.”

_“No wait! Jen, don’t hang up.”_ Jaemin laughs. _“So grumpy. I’m at chocolate factory at the night market. Is there anything you want me to get for you?”_

“I don’t have money.”

_“I’ll give them to you for free. Just tell me what you want.”_

Jeno gives up. “Fine. The one with the mint, then.”

  
_“Noted, sweetheart. And by the way,_ ” Jaemin’s tone changes. He must’ heard from the croak of Jeno’s voice _. “stop crying, okay? Go to sleep.”_

“I’m not crying.” Jeno sniffles anyway.

_“Come on, Jen. It’s okay. You’ll be okay. It will get better. I’m here for you, alright? Go rest your sleepy head now_.” Jaemin coos. The sweetest and the warmest voice he can use with anyone without sounding like a fool. _“I’ll come see you tomorrow.”_

This is the time when he should be telling Jaemin off. But he says instead, “O-okay. Goodnight.”

  
Caffeine really doesn’t do it for Jeno and he barely manages to get up from his bed, smacking his head on the desk when his mother decides to call him early in the morning. It had been an incredulous hour on the phone with his mother nagging him about his decision of not going back to his hometown in vacation so he could help at the cashier in their pharmacy instead of sleeping his life away at the dorm by himself because Jaemin went home to his. Two things: his mother hadn’t know of his complications with both Doyoung and Jaemin. She didn’t know that Jeno moved out of the flat he stayed with Jaemin for two years when they moved out for college and Jeno often lies to her about being with him when his mother would ask of his whereabouts when they actually stopped talking, second, that Jeno moved in with a boyfriend and got dumped that is the actual cause of his brooding and sudden panic attacks he doubts he can hide from his parents and having a nosy sister doesn’t quite help too. 

It’s around 10am when as he expects, Jaemin come knocking to his apartment door and open handedly give Jeno the mint chocolate he promised. So when he asked for a hug as the payment, Jeno doesn’t understand why he looked so surprised when Jeno gives him just that. 

“Don’t do that ever again.” 

“Don’t do what?” 

“Well, that, you know, smiling with your eyes and hugging me.”

  
Jaemin was probably just joking about the hug and he shouldn't have done that.“Okay...”

  
Jaemin didn’t stayed long that day and tells Jeno he only came to deliver and he had things to do. It’ll be a mess to be alone with his thoughts in his room so he visits Donghyuck. He was fast asleep when Jeno arrived to his house and didn’t wake up until his mother had to snap his head with a spatula. He’s always been pesky that ranges which is a thin line difference between funny and annoying. Jeno noticed he’s a lot like his mother, and his sisters too. It’s always been loud in their household and Jeno painstakingly managed to enter Donghyuck’s room with Donghyuck’s little sister dangling on his leg who only lets go when Jeno handed her a hundred won. 

  
When Donghyuck retreats from the bathroom, he’s already fully dressed and washed his face. “Where are we going?”

  
“Nowhere. I just came because I’m bored.” 

“You don’t find Jaemin entertaining?”

  
  
Jeno snorts. “No, he came but left right away.”

“Aw, is this why you look sad?” Donghyuck yawns and tucks himself back under his blanket. 

“That’s nonsense.” 

“No, actually, Chenle is dropping by with my Razer Deathadder Elite,” Donghyuck says, emphasizing every syllable, “anytime soon.” 

“Well that’s expensive.” Jeno squints at Donghyuck. All his complaints about this semester other than failing basic programming is being broke. 

“Also, don’t worry. I haven’t told anyone you made up with Jaemin and it’s really weird so that’s for you to explai—“

  
“Jeno hyung!” Chenle burst open from the door, looking ever so pale with his black shirt and orange hair and smiling wide at him. “Hey! I heard from Donghyuck hyung that you and Jaemin are going on dates and —“

  
Donghyuck is hiding under the blanket when Jeno turns to glare at him.

  
“When did you start believing this guy, Chenle?”

  
“Huh?” Chenle raised a brow and sit on the edge of Donghyuck’s bed and placed the paper bag of what could be the Razer mouse Donghyuck was bragging awhile back. “So, it’s not true?”

“Geez. Stop saying that, Hyuck. If Jaemin hears it he’s gonna think we’re weird. We’re just trying to reconcile, okay? Don’t jinx it.” Jeno says in the calmest way he can to hide his frustration though it’s obvious that Donghyuck has seen through it from the way he’s snickering behind the pillow. 

  
“Fine, fine, then. I’ll stop. I won’t talk about it anymore. I promise.” Donghyuck says in a funny voice. 

  
“I miss hanging out altogether with Jaemin hyung.” Chenle says. 

“But don’t you hang out with him and Jisung lots?” Jeno asks him. 

  
“Nah, they don’t invite me over sometimes."

“Oh.” 

“Oh.” Donghyuck mimics Jeno. “Well, I sure see them a lot in Myeongdeong so it seems they date a lot. Jisung and jaemin.” 

“They what?” Jeno asked him. 

Donghyuck gets up from his bed, yawning and he answers with a shrug. “Try asking Jaemin, then.”

  
“I should ask Jisung about that.” Chenle laughs. 

  
It’s around noon when Donghyucks parents and sisters went out for lunch and they didn’t tag him along because of his visitor, and Jeno at that since Chenle had to leave right away. So he’s left to clean the house and Jeno offered him help since it’s more productive than him going back and brooding alone in his apartment. There’s not much to do, aside from the toys sprawled around the living room courtesy and Donghyuck’s little sister who abandoned the half naked dolls so she could cling on Jeno’s long legs like a monkey on a tree. He didn’t help him with the laundry, though, he stayed by the laundry room on a pink chair that could barely sate his butt and watches Donghyuck cuss at the wash machine. 

“Renjun enrolled on an studio arts program in China.” There’s a tentative pause before Donghyuck ask, “What if he never comes back to college here?” 

  
“Huh? He’s not coming back here?” Jeno says, surprised. The labels written on the bottle of bleach he’s reading suddenly isn’t interesting anymore. 

  
“Well, I don’t know.” Donghyucks heaves. “Have you seen his recent post on Instagram? The picture of his art and there was like a thousand words essay in there. I don’t know the content since it’s Chinese, but I guess it’s deep.”

Jeno snorts. “It could be a song lyric. Or a poem he found online.”

“Right.” Donghyuck laughs. “By the way, I forgot to tell you. That night you were hammered at the bar and you asked me to pick you up, I called Jaemin and asked him to take you home. It seems you don’t remember shit because you thanked me through text the next morning so I thought you should know. Wait, had he told you?” 

“Huh?!” Jeno shouts out in disbelief. How come Jaemin didn’t tell him that? 

“Well, I was out of town and I couldn’t contact Mark hyung, and Chenle must be asleep, and Renjun isn’t here so... and that was 3 am so I doubt Jisung is awake and I figured you’d kill me if I called your mom or your sis.”

“Well—-well that’s...” Jeno stammers. So Jaemin showed up in the morning not because he wanted to, but because Donghyuck asked him to, or that he felt obliged he had to. 

“Was it... a bad idea?” Donghyuck looks at him with a worried face. 

“No, no. I just..” Jeno stammers, nervous to say the next words but he wants to. “What if—what if he wasn’t available? Or that he didn’t want to.”

“Well, he was.” Donghyuck points out with an eye roll and goes back to the washer. “And there’s no reason he’d come if he didn’t want to.”

  
There’s a point. And Jeno would asked again, something like, how had Jaemin responded when Donghyuck suddenly demands him to pick Jeno up who’s drunk at the bar, how long he had to convince him before he did, and what Donghyuck would’ve done if Jaemin refused, but he didn’t want Donghyuck to misinterpret. “I won’t drink alone ever again.” Jeno says instead.

  
There’s a pause and for some reason, Donghyuck’s voice sounds apologetic when he tells Jeno, “I just called him and he sounded like he just woke up from his slumber but when I told him it’s about you, he didn’t ask anymore other than your location.”

Jeno wishes Donghyuck wasn’t lying. 

The following days go by with Jaemin visiting him in the morning, or in the afternoon or at night with snacks in hands or when he just show up to inform Jeno that he ordered something they could eat that’s about to be delivered soon. Sometimes, Jaemin stays the whole day and if he isn’t in Jeno’s room playing computer games, they talk. The conversation not getting longer than thirty seconds without Jeno feeling embarrassed again for what he did to Jaemin. It just so happened one day when Jeno was about to bid Jaemin goodbye at the door of his apartment, when Jaemin stopped him from closing the door and asked him, “Was there a time that you missed me, Jeno?” 

  
If Jeno’s first response was to tell the truth, he would’ve hurt Jaemin another time so he says, “Of course.” 

Jaemin smiled at him, like he was contented and waved him goodbye. 

Truth be told, Jeno is thankful he’d gotten accustomed to lying, without stuttering or his eyes shaking to make others see through him instantly, he knew because Jaemin’s smile was genuine. When the answer should be, _I was too occupied with loving someone to miss you and whenever you cross my mind, I picture you with Jisung and tell myself to stop caring too._

Jeno is reminded of the times he had to mask the pain from the decisions Doyoung makes for the two of them,saying, _It's okay_ , even if he wasn't _, It's fine_ , even if it wasn't, _That'll be nice,_ even when he knows it's not, _Let's do that_ , even he didn't want to. 

It's not that Doyoung treated him badly. He was gentle, he was sweet and he was considerate to the last day Jeno had spoken to him. It's just that Jeno had forgotten his own voice, and he found comfort in agreeing to whatever Doyoung says. The comfort of being enough for someone if you accedes to anything they want.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Yesterday, there was a virus outbreak in the whole country and all schools including universities are cancelled until further notice, as stated by the news and everyone is advise to wear a masks and avoid public places as much as possible. So on Monday morning, which is supposedly the start of the new semester, Jeno finds himself in a jam packed supermarket with people panic buying for groceries. It’s unfortunate he didn’t have much on his fridge in case the preventive measures become crucial, he wouldn’t survive for a week with what he’s have. His cart is heavy with all the meat, noodles, vegetables and snack and now he’s stuck in the line of people at the pharmacist trying to acquire supplementary medicines, masks, alcohol and sanitizer. He hadn’t check his phone, wary of the busy crowd, so it startles him when Jaemin appeared with a ridiculously huge jacket pad, messy hair and a mask covering more than half his face. 

“Oi Lee Jeno!” His voice was heard despite the noisy crowd when he grabbed him on the shoulders and turned Jeno around to face him. 

“W—wha—“ 

  
“Why would you go out looking like that?” There’s frown in Jaemin brows visible even with his bangs down when he takes out a mask from his jacket pocket and puts it on Jeno. 

  
“I was— why are you here?” Jeno asks, still startled at Jaemin’s sudden appearance. The family in line behind them are making expressions now that Jaemin is ruining the line from the two lanes. 

  
“I told you to wait for me when you said you were coming here, but you didn’t read my texts.” Jaemin says, moving behind Jeno and explaining to the person behind that he was just a company and not here to purchase. 

“I was in a hurry.” Jeno tells him. 

Jaemin hummed in understanding. “You stay here, I’ll take your cart to the cashier 4 and come find me there when you’re finished here.”

Jeno thought better than telling Jaemin that he didn’t have to, but smiled at him instead and hands him his card. “Thank you, Jaemin.”

  
Jaemin smiles back at him. 

  
Once they’re at the front door of Jeno’s flat, Jaemin stayed by the door and advised him to shower and clean his hands well and not to go out again. When he asked Jaemin why he didn’t want to come in, he said that since they’ve been on a very public place and interacted with many peope it’s better if he goes back to his dorm to shower too instead of lazing around Jeno’s apartment with the clothes he’s on. 

“But you’re tired.” Jeno reasons. When Jeno was done in the pharmacy, they had to wait in line at the cashier for almost two hours. “You can use my clothes if you want to.” He offers and figures the idea isn’t very ridiculous when Jaemin only looks at him for a brief moment, like he already considered it before Jeno even offered, and nods. 

Jeno lets him in the shower room first and ten minutes later, he finds himself at laundry area staring at the washer as he waits for Jaemin’s clothes to finish. Jaemin said it was ok to put his expensive jacket at the wash machine and he does as told. A few minutes ago, he texted his mother to inform her about his situation at his apartment and about the cancellation of the classes at the beginning of the semester, reassuring her that he got all the necessities to survive for at least two weeks. Not longer than a minute, it was his sister calling him and Jeno is nervous of her and his mom’s indignation to even answer. There was a reply and Jeno figures he worried over nothing when the message was without any exclamation point and his mother reminding him to never go out and always use a mask if he had to. 

  
Jaemin walks out of the shower by the time Jeno finished hanging their clothes and before he could even wonder if Jaemin reused his underwear or if he wasn’t wearing any and if he needed to borrow Jeno’s, Jaemin says without a hint of shame “I’m not wearing boxers right now. “

Jeno gives him a once over, and maybe he shouldn’t have because Jaemin squints at him with a snort. In fact, he wouldn’t even know of his issue if Jaemin didn’t announce it. It’s actually nostalgic how Jaemin looked like with his hair brushed down wearing a white shirt on and a jersey shorts, like when he and Jeno were trying   
out for the basketball team back in 8th grade with Mark and Donghyuck, if it wasn’t for his funny pink hair now. “You can borrow mine.” 

  
By the time the evening came, Jeno lounges at the couch where Jaemin had barely woken up after he passed out there since the morning they ate late breakfast that Jaemin cooks for them. Jeno had done tons of work, like folding and dusting off the clothes in his closet and he managed to find the missing pairs of his socks, and maybe socks that don’t belong to him to and he had to put away the moment he sees them. He’d done his laundry and arranges his groceries on the fridge and his kitchen cabinet and now his body hurts from overworking that the couch made a loud creaking sound when he lies back a safe distance from Jaemin who sent him a blank look. Jeno casually ignores him and turns the TV on. The news about the disease is alarming and spine chilling and Jeno couldn’t bear it that he had to change the channel instantly to a cartoon show. 

  
“Don’t you get tired of that?”

Jeno didn’t spare him a glance and retorts with an irritated, “Nobody gets tired of Dragon Ball and if you hate it so much then—“

“No, I mean,” Jaemin starts and the couch creaks as he shifts closer and reaches, tender fingers hover at the corner of Jeno’s lips as he sideeyes Jaemin, worried that the lipbalm he wore looked stupid. It wasn’t his fault that the store run out of the colorless ones and he had no choice but to use the orange flavor because of his annoyingly dry lips. Jaemin’s touch lingers for a moment and Jeno flushes in embarrassment with how funny he must’ve looked right now and regrets even buying the lipbalm when Jaemin continues, “don’t you get tired of looking cute all the time.”

  
Jeno didn’t let that sink in, more annoyed than flustered and he didn’t hold back when he pushes Jaemin on his side of the couch to hit him on the chest, and he ignored the loud thud, hitting him again. 

“Stop! Stop it, Jeno!” Jaemin squirms and covers his face with a pillow to avoid Jeno’s hit. 

Jeno fights the urge to hit him again and wills himself to calm with a loud exhale before falling back to his seat. Jaemin hasn’t change at all except for his hair, he’s still flirty and gutsy the way Jeno remembers him. A year is a long time to change a person, specifically their demeanour towards someone they didn’t interact with the whole time. 

“You want me to stay over just to hurt me, Jeno. You are mean.” Jaemin sulks, and balls himself inside the blanket with only his head showing, his brows creased together and there’s a childish pout on his lips. 

Just then, it belatedly occurs to Jeno that he didn’t think about it— that he made Jaemin stay over— could’ve been a horrible offer. Jaemin has no obligation to him even if his reason is because he’s only worried about his health. Carefully, he says, “I’m sorry.” He says, wary of his words and adds, “You should head home. Wouldn’t— your roommate look for you?” He dares to ask. 

“Oh Jisung.” 

Park Jisung. Jeno doesn’t know if he was in place to ask Jaemin about the two of them. 

“He’s probably busy with his games. I’ll call him later of send him a texts. You sure you don’t want me to stay over?”

“Can’t you?”

It took about a week for Jeno and Jaemin to become the closest back when they met in middle school, to which Donghyuck always sulks about, always demanding for Jeno’s attention whenever the three of them are together and telling Jaemin off claiming that he is Jeno’s bestfriend and not him. Jaemin would only laugh about it, with his crinkled eyes and big teeth, reassuring him that Donghyuck is still Jeno’s favorite friend and not him and Jeno would only agree to it to placate Donghyuck. As times passed, Jeno find that he couldn’t agree to that idea anymore, or it’s just that Jaemin diverted to telling Donghyuck that he is indeed Jeno’s favorite and it never was Donghyuck. It wasn’t a lie per se. And Donghyuck’s retort to that is teasing the two of them romantically to which he does until now, it didn’t bother Jeno ever since, and he wonders if it annoys Jaemin. He never dares to ask. 

  
College isn’t anything like highschool, Jeno realises on his first day that he didn’t have both Jaemin and Donghyuck sitting beside him on his first class. Jaemin took Multimedia arts for his course since he’d always liked photography, Donghyuck, who’d always had a passion in singing and dancing took performing arts and aspire to be a theatre actor-singer someday where he met Renjun, a boy from China with the same dream and they’ve been friends altogether ever since. Jeno, who’s always been fond of videogames and computers took Software Engineering. Renjun introduced Chenle from the performing arts, too, and they’re both from China. He has a bestfriend named Park Jisung who he later introduced to everyone and specifically Jaemin since they’re both from the studio arts. Jaemin had taken a liking to him instantly, Jeno notices the first time Jaemin meets Jisung, and knows before Jaemin could even become vocal about it.

  


Jeno didn’t need nor want to pry. Jaemin tells him basically everything, to the point where he didn’t need to ask, from what’s going on, what’s wrong, to what are you thinking, those sorts of details Jaemin seemed too comfortable to tell Jeno and vice versa. So Jeno wasn’t surprised when one day, some time in the middle of their first semester in college freshman year, Jaemin tells him over dinner that, “Jisung is really cute. I like his cheeks, it’s the cutest I’ve seen.” Jaemin had always been expressive, whether with words or actions, so Jeno wasn’t surprised when Jaemin tells him that. He can see it, the way Jaemin looks at Jisung and the way he smiles and speak to him, so dearly and sincere. He talks about Jisung all the time, even when he’s not around, he looks for him and checks up on him through texts or calls. Jeno had witness all these, that even if Jisung would pretend to be annoyed and pushes away, there’s always been fondness in his eyes whenever he does that to Jaemin.

It’s only natural that Jeno isn’t the only one who noticed, Renjun too, when he asked Jeno once they were alone in the library, “Do you think Jaemin likes Jisung?” and Jeno doesn’t know why but his immediate gut reaction is to freeze. “I don’t know.” He answers, even when he does, even if it was obvious, because it’s a lie until Jaemin hasn’t say that it's true. Renjun looks at him skeptical, eyebrows creased that he followed with an eye roll and that’s the last time they talked about it. Jeno understood it as Renjun’s way of ceasing his intrusion. Maybe he even thinks Jeno knows about it, when if fact, he doesn’t.

  
Now, going down to that subject, it’s the same day and the same place when Jaemin drops his bag on the seat next to Jeno where Renjun left off to grab lunch at the cafeteria. Jaemin sat on the edge of the table, and Jeno scowls at him when Jaemin bumps his knee of the forearms he is using for writing. “Can you believe it, Jisung thinks I’m your boyfriend!?” Jaemin says inanimately, laughing. 

It’s obvious that it wasn’t funny as Jaemin makes it out to be, even if he’s laughing heartily, with his mouth open wide showing his protruded front teeth and crinkly eyes, Jeno knows. It’s a thin line difference between laughing with him—" _Haha, why would he think that? Why in hell would I agree to be your boyfriend? "_ and apologizing to him—" _I’m sorry about that, that was ridiculous." I didn’t know I was holding you back, I’ll keep my dis_ tant _from you from now on._

Jisung has always been nice, being the only one who is a year younger amongst all of them, he’d always been polite. He listens well, speaks well and worries a lot. Though there are times when he would act up on Renjun or Jaemin, but it’s a teasing manner and he knows when to stop and to apologize. Donghyuck doesn’t mess with him, though, because he says Jisung is sensitive and that he’d cry if Donghyuck would even try. Jisung treats Jeno really kindly. Maybe because he’d found out from Donghyuck that Jeno was a straight A student back in high school that he only proved even more by topping most of his classes in college.

  
As selfish as it seems, it was safer for Jaemin to stay, and for Jisung too. 

The pandemic died down three weeks. After the order of quarantine and disinfection was responsibly followed by the country people and everyone is back on their foot, to work, to open their stores, to the road, and to schools and universities which means Jeno has to go back on his feet, too. In contrast to what he and Donghyuck assumed that Renjun won’t be coming back to Korea after the break and that he might’ve found his heart belonged to a studio in China, Jeno met him by the hallways and greeted him with a big hug. 

  
"Woah! How come you never contacted any of us? We could've picked you at the airport. When did you come back?" Jeno asks, refusing to let go of the hug and squeezing Renjun's frame who's squirming from his hold.

  
"Get off!" Renjun screamed and backs away a safe distance from him. "I was here two weeks ago but I had to stay at the hospital to quarantine, you know. I just didn't tell any of you because you'd insists to come and it's not safe out there. And you know not even death can stop Donghyuck."

"That makes sense." Jeno nods. Now he feels stupid for thinking Renjun wouldn't come back to Korea for his study. He had to brood about it in silence to not add up to Donghyuck's bad case of groundless worrying . "You could've tell me, though. I could've just made something up to console him. He's gotten so petty nowadays."

  
"No, thanks, Jeno. You're terrible at lying. You will never be able to convince him." _Maybe not anymore_ but Jeno nods at that. Renjun's eyes grew big like he realised something. "Oh, Chenle told me you were talking with Jaemin again. Let's catch up on that, okay? Later?" 

"Later?" 

  
Renjun hummed and pulled out a folder from his backpack. "I need to submit this to the admission office so I'm in a hurry. And I mean, later, for reals. After class. Just text me, kay?"

"Fine, fine." Jeno agrees and looks at the portfolio on Renjun's arms. They're a bunch of A3 papers that Jeno assumes are Renjun's own painting to be put up on the newly renovated entrance hall. "My classes ends at 3 o'clock."

"Too bad, you gotta wait for me for an hour. I gotta go, bye!" Renjun waves and disappears to the hallway of students.

  
It isn't a minute passed when someone hugged him from behind, strong hands latched onto his waist and was if facial hair that tickles his neck. "Let me go, Jaemin!"

Jeno wriggles out with ease and when he looks, Donghyuck is looking at him with big eyes and funny expression on his face. "Well, sorry I'm not Jaemin!"

  
"Oh." 

  
"Oh." Donghyuck mocks. "I saw Renjun running just now."

Jeno hummed. "You're in the same class, right?"

  
"Guess I'm stucked with him this year again." Donghyuck fakes vomit.

  
"Let's grab dinner after class?"

  
"Your treat? Yoohoo!" Donghyuck cheers before Jeno could even answer and drifts with the crowd.

  
There's tons of minor classes requirements he still needed to take along with the major classes in his third year and Jeno is glad Yangyang saved him a seat on the first day and waves at him from the very left of the second row, tapping on the desk next to him. 

"Thanks! Long time no see." Jeno greets him and arranges his backpack under his chair. He pulls out a pen and a pad, aware of the massive amount of memorisations and terminologies present on the engineering environment class.

“Eh, only because you didn’t come on my B.Y.O.B!” Yangyang complains but the crease in his brows immediately softens when he says, “and dude, I’m sorry about what happened.”

  
Jeno waves him off. Yangyang often is the receiving end of Jeno’s daily rants and complaints about their shit tons of debugging and pseudocodes to remember, and strict professors who gives out zero scores over code arrangements and clinical used of functions with the same output. Yangyang would laugh at everything and cheer him up, and he was there to back him up when Jeno almost got into an argument with the part time professor on their introduction to C++ class in freshman year. It was easy to open up to Yangyang, for he always listen and gives fair advices, but it’s not easy to talk about it...the breakup....Kim Doyoung. It’s a bitter taste that lingers, like the cup of coffee Jaemin makes in the mornings, it’s aroma mists the air that Jeno couldn’t stand, except, it was worse. 

Yangyang seemed to notice this and he makes a noise of a quiet gasp and rummages through his backpack. He pulled out a black ticket envelope and hands it to Jeno with a proud smile. 

“What’s this?” Jeno asks. 

“Open it.” Jeno wonders for a moment if Yangyang was gonna ask him out or something,because honestly sometimes he looks at Jeno like that but yeah he could've just imagined it, but clearly it was the latter. It’s a yellow credit card with a picture minimalist dark dot in the middle and he figured it’s a credit card flashdrive, inspecting it more, the designs aren’t just dots but actually a face of a dog cartoon. “Woah. It’s cute, even if I’m a cat person.”

  
“Hey, never in my life I would ever imagine that you don’t know who Jake the dog is.” Yangyang whines every syllable. “It’s for you.” 

  
Jeno would argue that he knew who Jake is but it’s his first time seeing an actual credit card flash drive in person that he’d only seen on the internet. It costs a fortune. “Wait, for me? Are you serious? I—“

  
“No, come on. You’ve to take it or I’ll think you don’t like me as your friend. And I have one too,” Yangyang says and shows his card from his wallet, it’s Finn’s face in it. “I know you hate using flash drives because you always lose them, but you can actually put this one on your ID holder. That way, you wouldn’t lose it. It hurts to see you using CD ROM in saving your codes I just,” Yangyang dramatically sighs, “wanna give you a hug sometimes.” 

  
“Hey! At least I don’t lose them!” Jeno argues, eyes still scanning the card. “Thank you, man. I’ll take of it, really.“ He swallows, when he sees the little label on the below corner of the card that says 1Tb. 

“Not a problem!”

The rest of their classes went by quick. Most of the lectures are professor introductions and lectures syllabous discussion that Jeno barely paid attention to. What he didn’t expect was the three laboratory exercise on first meeting on Networks where they were ask to design and troubleshoot a network design after a five minute orientation with the Packet Tracer software.

“I suddenly wish all my units are minor classes again.” Jeno laments once they were out of the IT building at exactly four o’clock. 

“Right?” Yangyang laughs from the floor, still struggling with his shoelace. “By the way, didn’t you say you were going somewhere?”

“Ah yeah. What’s the nearest pizza round here?” 

Yangyang suggested the Gino’s Pizzeria which was a few blocks away from his house and gave him a lift. Turns out they left the campus five minutes apart and Donghyuck and Renjun arrived at the place and already munching at their orders when Jeno arrived. 

  
“Don’t mind me, I haven’t eaten since breakfast.” Renjun announced before Jeno could even take a seat on their table across the two of them. 

“How’d you get here? Isn’t Bus 3 arriving ten minutes from now?” Donghyuck ask, checking at the time on his phone at the table. 

“Yangyang dropped me off. He lives nearby.” Jeno says, though he refused when Jeno says he could dine with them. 

“Oh, that dude?” Donghyuck says it with an eyeroll.He raised a finger to his temple like he was thinking. 

“Why?”

  
Donghyuck does the eye roll again and Jeno decides to ignore and dig on the last pieces of the huge box of pizza. The box is emptied after a few moment of silence and Renjun declares one of them needs to start talking. But Donghyuck beats him to it by asking what did he do in China for the whole break. Renjun tells them about his short shrine vacations with his cousins, and how he met up with his highschool friend Yukhei who is now a rookie actor-musician in China. Obviously, he was leaving out the art studio program details, which Donghyuck and Jeno once feared could be his reason to why Renjun barely contacted them on break thinking he’d never go back to the uni. Then Renjun asks Jeno about Doyoung. If it was throbbing to think about it, then what more when talking about it. Recalling it also meant remembering the pain, only for Jeno to realise that it’s always been there. “I’ve thought about it before, even on the first weeks I was with him. He gets promotions and invitations everywhere in Seoul, then in Incheon, then in Jeju. So I wondered what if he had to go abroad, will he still keep me? I ask myself that every day. Then when I found my answer, I got my heart so broken. I’m surprised I still can stand on my feet now.” Jeno tells them.

  
Then Jeno admits he still love him despite, ignoring the disappointed scowl Donghyuck lets out. “I mean, even if I’ve seen it coming, it didn’t hurt less. He’s not that cruel, you know. He apologised to me, and told me everything between us wasn’t a lie but it just had to be over. I believe him. I know he meant it.”

  
Donghyuck looks like he was gonna say something against that, but Renjun clasped him on the mouth. 

  
“We’ll talk about it some other time, okay?” Renjun sends Jeno a look. 

“Hey, why does it sound like you’re leaving me out of it! You!” Donghyuck accuses. 

“Oh. How’d you know?” Was Renjun’s sarcastic remark. 

A weight was lifted off a bit, watching his friends banter which he hasn’t seen in a long time. Jeno feels home, feels safe and light just hearing them laugh, but he wouldn’t say it. His friends wouldn’t let him live if he suddenly become emotional over their friendship so he bites back his tears. To his horror, though, Renjun sends him a sharp look, tapping on his chin and starts, “So.... about Jaemin...”

  
“I told you already. Jeno was dead drunk and I wasn’t in the city so I asked Jaemin to pick him and he did and there’s that. He’s there every time I come visit Jeno’s flat.” Donghyuck explains with such irritation that Jeno guesses he already told Renjun this. 

  
“Well, it’s not like we—we fought or something so I guess... we’re okay?” Jeno answers, unsure. Though Jaemin’s conduct is the same from he was before, it’s the guilt that makes him say this. 

  
“It’s just, Jaemin was out on vacation when you and Doyoung started going out and you were— you told me before you were too embarrassed to him about it because he hates the guy so you moved out and decides to stop talking to him—wasn’t it?” Renjun narrates sagely. “Well, that shouldn’t matter anymore. I’m glad you’re okay now. That means he would hang out with us again, right? You should’ve ask him to come today.”

“Oh, he texted me earlier saying he’d come to school tomorrow. He probably overslept.” Jeno informs them. 

“Oh Jisung! Wait—Chenle!” Donghyuck calls out from the inside of the store. 

Jeno’s soul left his body at the mention of the name and when he looks back at the glass door, Jisung was passing by with Chenle who didn’t seem to notice them. He grabbed Donghyuck by the arm, who got up from his seat, still calling out to the two. “Wait—wait! Don’t call them, please.”

  
“Huh? Why not?” Donghyuck raised a brow and gave him a look, still shouting. 

“Hey, hey keep it down.” Renjun tells Donghyuck and pushed him back to his seat. “What’s wrong?”

“I just—-I’m kind of guilty about something.” Jeno admits coyly.

“Did you fight with Chenle? Or Jisung?” Donghyuck queries with interest, a hand covering his mouth as if in shock. 

  
“No...it’s about Jaemin.” Jeno starts. 

  
“Oh, then what does that have to do with—-“

Renjun cuts Donghyuck with a, “Let’s hear out Jeno instead, right? Donghyuck please stop talking when your mouth is full.”  
  
  
  
  
"When did you become this mean to me?" Donghyuck pouts, offended and Renjun ignores this.

  
“Jaemin stayed in my flat for the two week quarantine.” Jeno says, wary of both his friends' eyes on him. 

  
“What!?” Donghyuck gasped. “Something happened? You let him bone y—“

“N—no! Nothing like that, what the hell, Hyuck?!” Jeno fans himself, embarrassed. Just the thought of it alone makes his stomach churns in panic. “I? What the heck?” He snorts, trying to compose himself. “I went to the groceries when the outbreak was announced and it’s really really loaded there but Jaemin looked for me just to check if I was wearing masks and—“

  
“He followed you just for that?” Renjun intervenes. 

Donghyuck sends him a knowing look. “Told you.” 

“What? Well, yes, so anyway, he helped me home because I got my hands full. He kind of stayed till evening and I was—kind of— asked him to stay the night because I was—“ 

“Moping?” Donghyuck finishes for him, his mocking expression change into something worried. 

“You can say that.” Jeno nods carefully. “So he did but the next day there were announcements of the country lock down and there’s no transportation and cars aren’t allowed in the road. So about that, him staying over for two weeks, Jisung might get the wrong idea and I don’t know how to talk to him about it.”

“Wait, so you mean, you think Jisung is mad that you let Jaemin stayed in your flat for two weeks?” Donghyuck concludes. "Two weeks. " He repeats with a smirk.

  
“Why would he be? Wait, someone enlighten me what’s going on here? I’m clearly confused. I was away for two months and we’re all in this mess, what about Jaemin and Jisung? I clearly need to talk with Chenle about this one.” Renjun says, trying to keep his calm though his frustration shows with the crease of his brows. 

Jeno swallows the lump in his throat. It only occurs to him that he hadn’t disclose to anyone yet about it, though he thought it was much obvious, the way Jaemin looks at Jisung. He gives in immediately, not wanting to make his friends feel left out. “Jaemin likes Jisung, that much I can tell. Though he never tells me it directly, from the first time we met him, he’s all Jaemin could ever talk about even at home. I don’t know Jisung very much, but when we’re altogether, I noticed how he’s comfortable and smiley around Jaemin.“ 

“Wait, what?” Donghyuck snorts a laugh. “Why am I only hearing this now?” 

  
“Wait, Jeno. I don’t think you should assume this without actually asking Jaemin yourself.“ Renjun’s tone is light when he says this. 

  
“I don’t want to intrude to the things he doesn’t tell me.” Jeno doesn’t look up to them. “I’ve heard from Jaemin that Jisung thought I was his boyfriend. To which I figured I was getting in the way and I realised I need to get out of the picture. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t date Doyoung to make it possible, alright? And like I said, I loved him lots and I still do, I just see it as my chance is all. And I assume they're not just friends anymore, you know. They live together now."

  
It was a minute of deafening silence with his friends trying to take in what he just said before one of them speaks, it was Donghyuck, “I don’t think what you did was right, Jeno. Look, he still cares genuinely about you now, even going as much as battling the pandemic just to make sure you’re safe. Imagine how he felt when you suddenly stopped talking to him.”

Jeno feels stupid. “I know. I’m still sorry about that.” 

Donghyuck responds with an eye roll the third time that day. He must've been too aware of how annoying he looks every time he does that.

Unlike the usual, they didn’t drink after that. Much to Donghyuck’s dismay and Jeno’s delight. After the incidence one night at the bar where he barely remembers anything, he could’ve died, who knows, if it wasn’t for Jaemin—Jeno swore to never drink again. Maybe he had indigestion with anything liquor, he remembers wanting to throw up just at the smell of the wine area at the groceries. Once he had his back flat on his bed, ready to sleep, Jeno thinks of the words Renjun tells him at the bus, _“You’re allowed to be sad, Jeno, but not for too long, okay? And give yourself another chance at love. Not everyone is like him.”_

Jeno doesn’t want to consider it, at least not right now. Not until the emotional and physical pain still present in his heart. “ What if I meet someone who can make me happy again, and then they leave me again?” He didn’t ask Renjun, but the questions replays in his head. It was difficult to imagine, giving your all to someone, living like it was forever, and suddenly coming to an end. It’s when he felt tears running down his cheeks that Jeno finally decides to sleep. 

  
Contrary to what Renjun presumed, Jaemin still didn’t hang out with them. He would turn down Renjun’s lunch invites, or Donghyuck night out invites, saying he’s been busy though they pretty much meet him in the hallways often looking anything but. He hadn’t crashed in Jeno’s flat for awhile too, though he receives Good morning and Goodnight texts from Jaemin like some reminder alarm. Jeno assumes the reason was when he stayed at Jeno for two weeks, Jisung might've not liked the idea.

“So, have you asked him? About Jisung?” Renjun asked. 

  
They’re at the front seat of the football bleachers, watching the try out game between the arts department. Donghyuck, playing for the performing arts, provides a banner with his name on it, that Renjun’s been waving even before the game started. They’re against the multimedia arts, with Jisung as one of their star player. He’d notice Jaemin from the other side of the field, leaning his back on one of the light posts and cheering whenever Jisung has the ball on his feet, and jumping around whenever Jisung makes a score. Jaemin looks so proud and fond, that Jeno can feel him dazzling from afar. 

  
“Do I have to?” Jeno answers after awhile, the exact moment the referee called for a break and Jaemin is running towards Jisung’s direction with a towel and bottled water in hand. 

  
Jaemin will be gone for two weeks, he tells Jeno the night before his flight to Shanghai. It was for a short filmmaking and he was the campus representative along with five other students. If he will go with Jisung, Jeno didn’t ask. Jaemin looked sad, Jeno didn’t ask why. “It sounds fun, Jaemin. Why don’t you sound excited about it?” 

  
Jaemin hugged him, tight, and for so long that Jeno had trouble breathing and the smell of Jaemin’s perfume imprinted in his nose. “Maybe I’m happy because it will be fun, but I’m sad because I won’t be able to see your face for two weeks.” 

Normally, Jeno would push him off if he says things along the line and Jaemin will laugh. Yet, somehow, it felt like a goodbye, and there was a sudden urge to hold Jaemin close too. Jeno hugs him back with a tug on his shirt. “Silly.” Jeno says, even if he’s afraid. He doesn’t understand the tugging of his heart, like it felt when Doyoung bids him goodbye. But it’s just two weeks, and it’s just Jaemin, so he doesn’t understand. “It’s just two weeks.” Jeno hears himself promising, more to himself than to Jaemin. 

Though Jaemin refused when Jeno proposed to come with him to the airport, almost smacking himself on the face that he forgot he wasn’t supposed to do that much for Jaemin. Jisung will come with him, or at least drive him to the airport for sure. 

  
The first day of Jaemin’s departure, Jeno wasn’t surprised that Jisung joins them at lunch. A little, he was, because he thought Jisung was coming along with Jaemin. But then it’s only natural that Jisung will keep their company because they’re all friends, and that Jaemin isn’t around to occupy him, and because he’s with Chenle, Jisung’s bestfriend, when they found their table in the cafeteria. 

Jisung greets Jeno with a smile, and a little pat on his back saying how he hadn’t seen Jeno for awhile before he takes a seat beside Chenle across from Jeno. He sounds kind, the way he speaks is very endearing, like there’s a sense of positive emotion in him that makes you want to think that you have to look after him. Maybe this is what Jaemin sees in him, which had Jisung become a very important person in his life. 

  
Jeno smiled back at him, speechless, and maybe it came out awkwardly because the smile on Jisung’s lips tighten a little. Maybe Jeno just imagined it, for it was gone in the moment Donghyuck comes back to their table with their orders. Then the chattering begins, mostly Donghyuck and Renjun asking Jisung about Jaemin’s departure and what kind of business is he going to do in Shanghai. Jisung answers with adoration in his face, proud, and relaxingly leaning his head to Chenle and seeking his nodding of approval whenever he says something. Jeno tries not to think about it, even after he sees Jisung whisper something into Chenle’s ears, too close and lingers long than casual. He wonders if Jaemin will be okay to see them like this.....Jeno quickly brushes the thought off his head the moment it comes. He listens to his friends talking, about Donghyuck boasting that he’s doing a cover of the song ‘Billionaire’ to be uploaded on Youtube with Mark, a senior from the Political Science department, to which Donghyuck said was the best rapper he’s ever heard in his life. Renjun then brags to them about a pretty girl from their department who messaged him about the adoration she has for him. 

  
Donghyuck immediately counters it with a scowl and asked to see the message to which Renjun refused, even asking for Jeno’s help to grab Renjun so Donghyuck can snatch his phone. Jeno just laughed, he’s always been the quiet one, just laughing and smiling at whatever his friends are doing. Renjun once pointed it out before that he didn’t need to be shy around his friends because they’re like a family that Jaemin quickly retaliates with, _“He’s like this even with his family. And even with me.”_ He remembers Jaemin staying quiet after when Renjun retorts with, _“You’re his friend too. How are you different from us?”_

Jeno woke up from his trance when he felt Renjun nudges him on the arm, and he looks confused for a moment, their table quiet when Renjun says, “Jisung is saying something to you.”

“Oh.” Jeno startled and looks at Jisung with big eyes. 

Jisung was leaning his back on Chenle’s shoulder, there’s a sullen pout on his face when he tells Jeno, “I miss you a lot, hyung. You never accept my game invites.”

“Oh, I don’t play much anymore.”

Jisung is still staring at him when Jeno dropped his gaze, feeling little. It’s weird, because Jisung had always been harmless and polite and Jeno doesn’t know how to respond to it when Jisung speaks again, “Hyung, we’re good, right? You’re not mad at me? Or anything?” 

Jeno opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again and feels wary of everyone’s eyes on their table now looking at him. He blinks, taken aback and unable to make out any words. Jisung was waiting for an answer and Jeno doesn’t know what to give him. Maybe Jeno should’ve done this long time ago, to talk to Jisung about Jaemin, to clear the tension that’s always been in between them. Or maybe it only exists in Jeno’s head and he’s always been a coward. 

Renjun saves him with a flick on his forehead, “Right, Jeno. You don’t accept my game invites too!” 

“Who cares about your games? You people who never play Overwatch are a bunch of weirdos.” Donghyuck interrupts. “By the way, Chenle, didn’t you say you’re going to tell us something?” 

“Wha—what was it?” Jisung leans back and looks at Chenle, his grin became wider at Jisung being intrigued. 

“You tell them.” Chenle dares him, amused. 

“Sto—stop it. You stop it!” Jisung panics, covering Chenle’s mouth with his big hands. 

Chenle just laughed and stopped Jisung’s hands by holding him on the wrists, with no resistance, before Chenle turns to them and boldly announces, “We’re dating.” 

“Huh?” A gasp escaped Donghyuck’s mouth, and maybe Jeno’s too. “You what!?” Donghyuck looks at them with confused expression, then to Jeno. 

Jeno doesn’t know what to do, so he looks at Renjun who’s expression looks bored. Maybe he knew it beforehand that’s why he was indifferent. Renjun shrugged at him then he turns to the couple, yes a couple, across from them. “What took you so long?” 

Renjun’s response only confused Jeno even more. Sure Chenle and Jisung had always been close, but what about Jaemin? Did he know about this? His departure was just last night and this? Wait, this could just be some sort of joke. 

  
“Wait— this isn’t some sort of a prank right? It’s not funny.” Donghyuck accuses. 

  
“No.” Chenle laughed. “We finally got together two weeks ago, after the football game.” 

  
Jeno is reminded of the game where Jaemin was jumping around in Jisung’s support, almost running inside the stage whenever Jisung scores or whenever he has the ball. So was it after that? Did Jisung breaks Jaemin’s heart after that? Maybe he knew it all along, and how did he feel about it? Was he hurt? As hurt as Jeno was on his recent heartbreak? Who was there for him when he needed someone to talk to? Is it the reason why he left and sounded so sad? Is he never going back? 

“What about Jaemin?” 

  
Even Jeno surprises himself of what he just said. He usually has a brain to mouth filter, so he doesn’t know how this happened now that both Renjun and Donghyuck elbowed him on his sides at the same time. 

“Jaemin hyungㅡChenle and I took him to the airport last night. He said he didn’t want you to stay up late so he asked us instead.” Jisung explains to him and it’s the way he speaks that Jeno discerned that Jisung didn’t avoid the question, but he misunderstood it. 

“Okay, but, you and Chenle?” Donghyuck presses, face still in faint disbelief. 

“Well....it...it just happened.” Jisung says coyly, hiding his face on Chenle’s neck. 

Chenle laughs at Jisung who was shying away from his embrace. “Jisung doesn’t take me seriously. Jaemin hyung and I took drastic measures just to make Jisung go out with me.” 

  
Jeno couldn’t look at them anymore and hopes the lunch break ends and it did. 

  
The next time Jeno meets Renjun, he asked him about it. Asked why Renjun wasn’t surprised to know, asked him what about Jaemin as if he knew the answer. The words come out easily from Renjun’s mouth, saying, “I’ve seen through Chenle and Jisung more than you’ve seen through Jaemin and Jisung. But I’m not gonna blame you for it, since you don’t see the two of them a lot.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jeno asks and it might’ve sounded sharp because Renjun’s gaze at him softens. 

“Jeno, can you tell me something?”

Jeno nods although he knows what’s coming next. 

  
“Were you jealous of Jisung?”

“No.” Jeno says, certain. “You know I’m guilty. Jaemin lost Jisung and I don’t know who was there for him when he needed anybody.”

  
“You shouldn’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. If you want to, you can always be there for him if he needs you.” Renjun tells him. 

  
But he does. With the guilt in his heart that’s like ice that would never melt in a hundred degrees. All the _what ifs_ and _if onlys_ which always leads for him to think that, _“Jaemin isn’t happy because of me.”_ He doesn’t say it though, and he looks at Renjun with a pained smile. 

  
“Just think about how he didn’t have to be on your bubble if he doesn’t want to do anything with you anymore.” 

  
The two weeks went painstakingly slow to which Jeno entertains himself with the 1500-pc Macabre Mansion jigsaw [puzzle](https://i.redd.it/xehyf7ca7vu21.jpg) Yangyang has lent him. The preliminaries just ended which means there are less projects and online activity deadlines so he had some time to stay away from his laptop. They finished the screencasting software interface of their partnered project in a week, though they are both afraid to consult it with their professor so they decided to slack it off for awhile. 

  
It was Saturday noon when Jeno finished the puzzle and Yangyang was whining on him on the phone about being bored so he asked him to come over and they drink and chat a little. They talk about their classes, about Jeno’s cat, Yangyang’s new car and he was about to leave when their conversation lands on Jisung and Chenle when Yangyang scrolled through it on Facebook.  


“I thought I see him together with Jaemin just weeks ago. I wonder when did they broke up.” Yangyang says, crouched down on the floor and tying his shoes on. 

Jeno doesn’t know, too. Hell he doesn’t if they were even together, he doesn't even know anything so he just shrugged. 

“Wasn’t Jaemin your roommate before? Haven’t seen you together for a long time.” Yangyang says without intention. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t stay on a single place at a long time. Though he’s friends is the same circle as Jeno’s, he’s rarely showed up on any gatherings or occasion and it’s actually a miracle that he agreed to drink on Jeno’s flat now. Yangyang tells him he hated the crowd and when he throws a party at his house, to celebrate business success with his parents, he just greets everyone who comes and makes sure they’re comfortable before he walks back to their rich patio where there’s less people and quiet. Even at the university, he prefers going to restaurants on breaks instead of eating at the cafeteria with his friends. Even so, what happened between him and Jaemin was kept a secret between the two of them involved, and Renjun and Donghyuck who are the closest to them for a longer time. 

  
“We have different majors so it’s difficult to catch up with our schedules.” Jeno says, calm. “I’ll walk you to your car—“ 

  
“No need.” Yangyang says, putting his jacket on. “I’ll just call you if I need your help when I fall on the stairs. Thanks for inviting me over, Jeno.”

  
Jeno smiled back at him. “See you on Monday.”

Yangyang nods and leaves. 

  
Jeno was on the way back to his bed when he hears a knock on the door and he looks around his flat to see if Yangyang left something before he answers the door. Right, the jigsaw puzzle box. He gathered it to a paper bag but when he opens the door, it was Jaemin on the other side. He’s wearing a cap, and it’s obvious from the hair behind his ears and his nape is a different color, a dark shade of brown. Jaemin looks thinner, and his skin looks paler too. Jeno retreats the paper bag from his hands and before he could, Jaemin stops his wrist. 

“What’s that?” He asked. 

“Oh, it’s a puzzle. When did—“ 

“Who did you think I was?” Jaemin asked again, but he wasn’t looking at Jeno, he was looking at the bag. 

“It’s Yangyang’s. He came here and he left—“

“Why’d he come here?” 

Jeno pulls away and frowns when Jaemin finally looked up at him. “I told him to come over and we drink together. When did you get home?” He asks, trying to calm. It must be the soju that’s making his face feel hot. 

“Why would you drink together?“  
  
  
  
  
"We celebrated a group project and--"  
  
  
  
"Do you really have to--"

Jeno cuts him by covering his mouth with his palm. What he didn’t expect was Jaemin leaning to it, the way his cats would whenever Jeno will touch them. Jaemin is warm, too, except for the growing tiny hairs in his chin as Jeno caresses his face. He allowed Jaemin to step in, closer and then he’s hugging Jeno, his face buried on the space between Jeno’s neck and shoulder. 

“I’ve missed you, Jeno.” Jaemin mutters slowly. “It was tiring there. We weren’t allowed to use our phones I couldn’t call even when I want to hear your voice.” 

Jeno stills. Perhaps he’s always been annoyed whenever Jaemin speaks to him with honeyed-aimless and meaningless words. “You should’ve rested before coming here.”

  
Jaemin hums and Jeno can feel him pouting on the skin of his neck. “Please don’t send me off like this. I’m really really tired right now.”

  
There’s a beat of silence and Jeno sighs before he proposes Jaemin to get some sleep in his room first. He supported Jaemin’s weight with a hand behind his back and he carried a lifeless Jaemin to his bed. He was heavy and Jeno can tell he wasn’t pretending, the exhaustion very much visible from the air around him. When Jaemin tucks himself under the blanket of Jeno’s bed, he’s reminded of the things he wanted to talk with Jaemin about. He wonders if Jaemin comes here straight from the airport, but most likely not because he isn’t carrying his luggage and Jeno actually checks the outside of his apartment to look for it but there was none. He wondered if he already talked with Jisung and if it didn’t go well that’s why he came here. All _these_ and _thats_ , and why did Jisung ended up with Chenle when Jaemin had him too close, if not in the palm of his hands. 

  
Whatever, that can wait. Jeno realizes he’s been staring on the figure on his bed and walks out of his room to look for his phone. He send a texts to Donghyuck and Renjun, informing him that Jaemin is home and is in his apartment. They said they’ll drop by but Jeno told them Jaemin looks so tired and needed a good rest so they both agreed to meet him tomorrow, whether he’s still in Jeno’s apartment or not. 

  
Eventually, Jeno falls back on his weekend routine. He cleans his desk and drawers, making little movements to avoid waking Jaemin up. Then he stepped outside his apartment when he received a call from his little cousins on his father’s side, asking how he is and why he didn’t come home on summer break. Jeno was moved and promised he’d visit them on foundation week. This yearly university occasion doesn’t require them to attend classes or do graded works and everyone, even from other uni, is welcome to the mini carnival, food and souvenir stalls, and the most important event in the campus are the sports games rivalries between the departments. At 6 o’clock, he decides to make dinner in case Jaemin woke up, but to no avail and he took his leftovers outside the apartment where there are cats waiting to be fed and Jeno greets them one by one with a pat on the head. Afterwards, Jeno played a game with Donghyuck on his laptop and he lost track of time and they went on until 12 o’clock until Jeno calls it a day. Then it gets louder, Jeno realizes, when he’s not occupied, of the eagerness of wanting to talk to Jaemin, and the worry of if he’s even allowed to pry. 

With all these in mind, he hadn’t realize he’d doze off a little on the couch and he wakes when he heard footsteps. It was Jaemin, now shirtless and he take a sit beside Jeno. “Hey.”

“What time is it?” Jaemin asked, scratching his eyes. 

Jeno looks at his phone. “It’s 1:31 am.”

Jeno’s resolve finally dawns at him after a minute of silence. With Jaemin looking like he still needed more sleep and Jeno’s impatient head, he asked, “Jaemin, what happened between you and Jisung?”

  
There’s a pause before Jaemin looks at him, and then away. “Oh, that.” He chuckled, but it sounds pained. “I liked him. I couldn’t tell you before because I wasn’t sure and I was worried that I have to act differently around him if any of you will find out. But I’m guessing you already found out before I was even sure myself, didn’t you?”

Jeno’s subconscious tells him that Jaemin was right, but he didn’t nod nor disagree, only looking Jaemin in the eyes. 

“So there are times when I wonder if he’s the reason you stopped talking to me. That you avoided me because you want me to get together with him.” The statement hits right on the mark and Jeno swallows, nervous, and the guilt is back and sits heavy on his chest again. He wasn’t composed, Jeno is certain he’s paled or maybe shaking and he’s thankful Jaemin wasn’t looking at him this time, not asking for his approval whether he was right or not. 

“But when I see you with Doyoung, you just look happy. So happy that I easily brushed it off mind. Jisung was kind to me. He offered me his flat when I couldn’t find one due to reservations and the only spaces available didn’t have parking lots. But he only sees me as a brother, though we kissed and fooled around a little, I just know I’ll never be more than that. I accepted it a long time ago, I even helped Chenle to confess to him. I thought I wouldn’t be hurt if they started going out but yet I still am. I am happy for them, though.” 

_We kissed and fooled around a little...?_

Jeno is speechless, despite the chaotic onslaught of thoughts all set out for him about Jaemin. These are the things he wanted to know, so he asked, and although he already expected it wouldn’t be rainbows and butterflies, his gut still twisted. Like a new wound, he hurts for Jaemin, and he feels sorry for him. 

“Hey, look.” There’s humour in Jaemin’s voice when he lifts a finger up to Jeno’s chin. “Don’t pout like that. It’s not as sad as you think it is. I’m only telling you that because you asked.”

_How sad was it?_ Jeno isn’t aware that he was pouting, so he bit his lip and he watches Jaemin’s eyes fall down to his lip that had him pulling away. Jaemin had always been honest, but doesn’t let anyone worry about him. “Have you talked to him?” Jeno asked to kill the tension. 

Jaemin nodded. “I left my luggage in our flat before I came here. I congratulated him and Chenle was there too. He’s been a housemate for a long time.” He laughed. 

Jeno carefully eyed Jaemin, looking much better than he was this morning. Jaemin shifts so he could lean his head on Jeno’s shoulder. 

“You’re worried about me, aren’t you?” He could feel Jaemin smiling on his skin. 

  
Jeno hisses. “You’re clingy. Could be why Jisung didn’t choose you.”

“Hey! Foul!” Jaemin laughed. “Doesn’t matter. I’m sure there is someone out there who loves me even when I’m clingy.”

When Jeno looks at Jaemin, he had his eyes closed and there’s a warm smile on his face. 

  
On a Monday morning, Jeno struggles to get up and his eyes are barely open when he enters his first class at 10. The splitting headache renders him helpless that the sermon he got from the head guard for leaving his I.D at home didn’t register in his head. Though he remembered signing a paper or two and a student pass handed to him that he clipped on the front pocket of his shirt. A whine left his throat when Renjun, who’s in the same condition, playfully elbows him on the stomach. They’re seated on the bench below the huge oak tree at the back of the school. Lunch time just ended and most of the students are back on their classes except for Jeno and Renjun who decide to call it a day. The only reason they’re not home yet is because of the mutual groggy feeling from last night. 

  
Last night was a blast. Yukhei, their friend from the Linguistics department, held a party for his birthday celebration. Yukhei was a nice guy and even after Jeno sworn for his dear life that he’ll never drink again, he couldn’t say no to him. On the way there, Jaemin seemed to notice his hesitation so he says, “Hey, it’s okay. I’ll take care of you.” So Jeno drinks, and he doesn’t remember the whiskey shot he downed, or the soju shots that followed after. Mind full of devouring thoughts and worries, so tiring, like a never ending bad dream. He stopped thinking when the alcohol hits his lungs, hot and powerful. He doesn’t remember much, though he’s glad he woke up in his own bed. 

  
From where they’re seated, right under blinding casts of the sunlight, Jeno can make out of someone running towards them that could be Donghyuck. He was yelling something, probably trash-talking them about their weak alcohol tolerance because Donghyuck can drink 2 bottles of soju and attend an 8 hour class without looking like he needed a life apparatus. 

  
Then he hears Renjun saying a slur, “Okay.” to him, raising his hands for a thumbs up. 

  
“No you have to choose!” Donghyuck tells him.

“Jaemin?” Renjun mouths. 

“Huh? Where?” Jeno asked, looking around and trying to focus his gaze to find him. 

“No.” Donghyuck whined and makes a space for himself between the two of them. “I’m making a bet with Renjun on who’s going to confess to you first, Yangyang or Jaemin and of course I’m rooting for Yangyang because Jaemin has no balls.”

“The heck? Why Yangyang?” Jeno groaned. Tired of this topic. 

“Well, ok Mr. Amnesia slash Mr. Oblivious. Guess you weren’t too drunk last night to remember Jaemin and Yangyang almost squared, fighting over who’s gonna drive you home.” Donghyuck says with a smirk. 

Jeno doesn’t know about that but he can already tell Donghyuck is just exaggerating it. Anyway, who drove him home last night? “Look, if I’m gonna assume that anyone who pays attention to me has the hots for me then that means you like me too. Renjun likes me too.”

  
Donghyuck fake gasped and held Jeno’s cheeks with his palms, squeezing it a little. “Is this why my kokoro goes badumpdump whenever I look at you?”

Jeno cringes and falls on Donghyuck’s chest. “Just take me home, Hyuckie.” He whines. 

  
Donghyuck winces. “Should I ask Jaemin or Yangyang?”

  
“Shut up. Don’t bother them over the stupid things I do to myself.”

  
“I’m pretty sure they want to be bothered by your stupid things, Jeno.”

  
“Shut up. Please.”

  
Kim Doyoung is back in Korea, is the text message from Renjun that Jeno had woke up to early in the morning. It triggered something inside his rib cage. A surge of uncontrollable emotion was dug out of his chest and presents itself like a new wound. Three months without him and getting over him, but why is Jeno’s heart beating like it’s going to explode? It’s disappointing to know that he wasn’t better when he thought he was. Was he away too soon, and for a time that wasn’t enough for Jeno to completely get him out of his hair? Or maybe it’s a feeling that won’t go away no matter what he does because it was _love_ and it still is? 

  
Jeno calls Renjun and it seems he got the hint that Jeno was troubled of the news when he couldn’t say anything on the phone. Renjun informs him that the school posted about the seminars and activities from the Veterinary Department that Doyoung will be attending as a speaker in their university. He will come today to visit the club Jeno and him were once in together, Renjun tells him and Jeno freezes. 

  
Jeno didn’t go to his classes that day, or the next day and the following day he knows Doyoung will be at their university. This shouldn’t bother him anymore, really, and it’s not like Doyoung would want to do anything with him again. But why does is still hurts? The pain is like a cloak that never wants to leave his skin, so he hides with it. The questions came back like a flock of crows, clouding his head. _Why did he leave me? What did I do wrong? Did you even love me?_

  
Maybe he’s too young to love someone too much, and maybe he was wrong to love someone too much, to give that someone his all. It’s incomprehensible how much he loved Doyoungㅡan adrenaline that stretches not only in his heart but throughout his whole body, no boundaries and no limits. 

It gets harder when he’s alone, running away from his emotions and Jeno realises he needs to get his shit together. Jeno’s brain actually starts to function again on a Wednesday afternoon. He arranges his back pack, opens his laptop to see online announcements of the classes and homeworks he missed. Luckily, Yangyang has emailed him his working codes that Jeno could study and use as his basis to catch up on lectures and laboratory exercises. Moping wouldn’t help him graduate, that much he knows. He’s about to drift off in his bed when he heard the clicking on his bedroom door. Jeno sat up, scared for his dear life and he only willed himself to calm when he was met with Renjun and Jaemin bursting in his door like they’re running out of time. Jeno almost teared up, touched, too overwhelmed to even speak and he doesn’t understand why seeing Jaemin and Renjun sends his heart rate to skyrocket. 

Jeno never knew he needed their presence that much and out of reflex, he spreads his arms to welcome them to a hug. Jaemin has longer legs and he was faster than Renjun to reach him but what he got was a flicked on the forehead instead. 

  
“Ow.” Jeno winced, hands flying to his forehead. And that’s when tears began to spill from his eyes. The flick hurts and so does his heart. Jeno trembles like a small child, it’s always been hard to bare his emotions to the people around him but there’s Jaemin. If anyone else would think he’s stupid, he knows Jaemin doesn’t. He muffled his sobs with the back of his palm, head bent down so none of their friends would see and that’s when he feels strong arms wrapped around his torso. 

“Hey, look. I’m sorry did I flicked too—“ Jaemin’s chest had always been welcoming. Just there. There’s a sense of assurance that he’s there and Jeno was about to sob in it when he felt a pull on his arm, Renjun untangling him away from Jaemin to push him back flat on the bed. 

  
Renjun climbs on top of him and held him by the collar without force, but Jeno still looks up at him in fear. Renjun is terrifying, more terrifying than Donghyuck could be. 

  
Jeno wonders if pushing him away would be a good move so he looks at Jaemin who’s just watching them with a blank stare and Renjun cups his cheeks to make Jeno look at him. “Listen here, Jeno. Doyoung is applying for faculty in our uni and what are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna drop out of school to avoid him? Are you gonna transfer? Tell me. I want to hear from you. Tell me!”

“I—I— No wa—ait, don’t kill me.” Jeno yelps when Renjun leans in closer and he swore his lips were almost against his. 

  
“Hey, Renjun. Stop being funny.” Jaemin tells him. There’s a glint of a very annoying smirk on Renjun’s face that Jeno wants to badly erase. 

“Funny, he says.” Renjun mocks. 

With the information at hand, Jeno thinks bitterly. The peaceful orb that Renjun and Jaemin built with their presence in Jeno’s bubble had cracked. Jeno just wants to avoid Doyoung as much as he can, and him applying for a school faculty isn’t helping that. “I just, I just don’t know what I’d do if I see him. I’m nervous. I’m scared.”

  
Jeno sees Renjun and Jaemin exchange worried glances. It was a pretty much invalid excuse to skip classes but he knows his friends won’t give him a shit for that. “You don’t have to tell him anything, Jeno. You can pretend you didn’t see him.”

_It’s not easy_ , Jeno doesn’t say. His shoulders sag, not wanting to reason out anymore. He’s facing his friends who genuinely care for him, not to prove him that he’s wrong. 

“Look, Jen.” Renjun says and placed a hand on Jeno’s knee. “If he wants to talk to you, then go talk him if you’re okay with it. If he ignores you, then ignore him too. But if he does something crazy, just tell me, I’ll beat the life out of him.”

  
Jeno snorts at the last part. “Okay, big boy.” He says, trying to cheer up, too. He didn’t want to cause more worries. 

He only realizes Jaemin is not in the room when Renjun looks out the door. “Hey, look. I really need to go somewhere right now. Jaemin kept asking about you so I took him here even when I know you still needed some mopey time to reflect on yourself. Go talk to him, okay? Come on, it’s your chance, if he can’t confess to you then you should confess to him.”

  
“What?!” Jeno cringes. 

Renjun walks to the door and blinks at Jeno in the nastiest way he wishes he could delete from his memory and he bumps into Jaemin on the process who stills him with his bigger frame. “Right, I’ll give you the quality time together. I know you don’t need me here so,” Renjun pushes Jaemin inside the room and he looks funny with a slice of bread between his lips. “Go beat the sense out of him, Jaemin, with your love.” Renjun says the last part in the most sensual way Jeno can imagine and he runs, even taking Jaemin’s bread from his mouth, to the front door. 

“Shut up!” Jeno yells, red on the ears and it only dawns at him that Renjun can be worse than Donghyuck when it comes down to this topic about Jaemin. He’s still embarrassed when he looks at Jaemin by the door frame, but the latter doesn’t seemed bothered and only looking at Jeno with faint expression. “I—I’m sorry about that. He’s crazy.” He says as if Jaemin doesn't know Renjun. 

  
Jaemin hasn’t been smiling the whole time and quiet than usual. It’s one of those moments where he look intimidating with a serious expression and not smiling. Jeno really _really_ prefers it when he smiles. 

Jaemin is looking at him, expression unreadable, and Jeno holds his gaze. Jeno doesn’t know why he’s drawn to it, lost in Jaemin’s orbs that looks brighter with the flourescent light, full of depth that Jeno will never learn how to comprehend no matter how much he wants to. Jaemin blinked and his eyes was momentarily covered with the shield of natural long lashes, a gorgeous but funny feature of him because it reminds Jeno of a camel. But no matter how pretty his eyes were, it emits of cold emanations that bares Jeno till he freezes with it. Jeno realizes Jaemin is looking at him through his eyes, searching for his soul so Jeno drifts his gaze anywhere in the room. Then there’s a warm hand that’s placed on top of his, fingers sliding under his palm and Jeno’s holds them. Funny how ease can he feel with the presence and warmth of just one person, reassuring him that the world is safe even without words.  
  
  
  
  
“How long have you not been cutting your nails?”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The atmosphere was lighter, but Jaemin didn’t let Jeno pull back and clutches at his fingers to which Jeno uses his nails to dig on his palm. “Jeno, are you a cat?”  
  
  
  
  
  
Jeno responded to it by showing his teeth and there’s a warm smile on Jaemin’s face when he used a free hand to pat Jeno on the head. “My favorite cat.”  
  
  
  
  
Jeno hisses and finally frees his hand from Jaemin. “I’m coming to school tomorrow. I’ve caught up with all the class activities so don’t be too disappointed. Yangyang updates me on—“  
  
  
  
  
  
  
There’s another thud on his chest and Jeno winces, for the second time to day is lying with his back flat on his bed and with someone on top of him, this time is Jaemin. “Are you trying to tell me you kept in touch with Yangyang and didn’t answer my calls or even reply to my texts!?” Jaemin growls, both hands caging Jeno’s shoulders.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jeno winces another time when Jaemin accidentally spat on his right eye and he escapes quickly out of bed, throwing a pillow at him. “You’re gross! You spat one me! Damn it!”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jaemin only pouts at him and grabs the pillow to make himself comfortable on Jeno’s bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“So you like Yangyang more than you like me, huh?” He muttered through the pillow.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jeno ignores this and flew out of his room to shower and he actually cut his nails while he's in it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
When Jeno walks back to his room, he expected Jaemin to be sleeping but he's met with Jaemin sitting on his bed and glaring at him. He feigns scared, and looks at him with skeptic expression when Jaemin was tapping the space next to him. Jeno did as told, their shoulders bumping in the process and he swore Jaemin's body felt like a hard rock just now. Little did he know that he next words about to come out of Jaemin's mouth would make his brain cog.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey, Jeno. Do you want to be with me?"


	2. 2.

i've always dreamed of coming to paris :(

_"I didn’t rejected you, but it’s more like, I rejected myself.”_

"Do you want to be with me?” 

The confusion washed blank Jeno’s face. All the muscles tensed up in his body like a bucket of ice has been poured from his head. Then it rings and rings in his mind, Donghyuck’s voice saying, _“Jaemin likes you, stupid.”_ An answer presents itself in Jeno’s chest, and it was gone before Jeno could even think about it. Then it was followed with shame. How come that despite all the emotional warmth and considerations and care that Jaemin gives him, he couldn’t replicate what Jaemin is asking him for? He couldn’t hang onto something incomprehensible and unimaginable. That he couldn’t reciprocate a feeling from someone who was never a stranger to him. 

It dawns at him then that the world didn’t stop and Jaemin is looking at him with overwhelming eyes, waiting for an answer. _Will you resent me if I say how I feel? Am I going to lose you again?_ Fear overrides the confusion in Jeno’s heart. His mind wavers to find an excuse _, how can I keep you without being with you_? Too selfish, but that’s what he wanted.

That’s right, he must apologize and accept what’s coming next the same way Jaemin will accept his rejection. Even if saying sorry would feel like covering a bullet hole with a band aid, it can still lessen the bleeding even one bit. 

“Jaemin I’m sorry I—“

Jeno says at the same time Jaemin was striding towards him, saying, “Come on it’s just four days.”

“What?”

“Hey, why are you like this? You haven’t even heard where we’re going yet?”

Jeno’s blatant reaction was to cuss. “Fuck.”

Jaemin’s eye grew big and retracts his hand that was about to grab at Jeno, and directs it back to his own chest, looking offended. “Woah there, kitten tiger.”

Had he been clowning himself in those awkward minutes where he felt the world had stopped, No one has to know. Damn, if Jaemin finds out what went on his head just now, he’s going to give him a good laugh and maybe another flick on the forehead. 

“Jeno.” Jaemin is pouting when he says this. But he’s sitting on Jeno’s bed now, careful fingers taking his hand on his that had Jeno shiver at the touch. “Come with me, Jeno. I’ve won 2 tickets to Paris when I went to Shanghai. I asked mom to come with me, but she said it was unfair for dad and suggest that I should just ask a friend to come with me. I want you to come with me. It’s just four days and the weekends going to pass so you can come back to the uni on Tuesday.” From the way Jaemin says it, it's like he already had all this planned and Jeno knows he wouldn't stop unless he convinced him. 

“Wait to— to where?” Jeno says, confused.

“Paris.” Jaemin answers and he didn’t let Jeno say a word before he's whining whining again, “You’ve been skipping classes for no reason and I know you can’t say no to me. I know your majors doesn’t require you to attend classes too, you just submit your shits online so—-“

“Wait, stop, stop,” Jeno fights, pulling his hands back but Jaemin held them, shaking his head in a manner a child would if his parents wouldn't give in to what he wants. The stupid pout still on his stupidly handsome face and maybe he isn’t wrong after all for thinking Jeno can’t say no to him. No, actually, he was about to reject him from what he thought was a confession minutes ago. “What makes you think I can’t say no to you? And that’s not true at all! We are required for attendance especially on labs.”

“But it’s just four days.” Jaemin coos, holding Jeno’s hands to his mouth now and Jeno can feel his breathing and maybe he just imagined it, but was it Jaemin’s lips on the back of his palm just now? “Just four days, Jeno, please.”

“But it’s too far....” Jeno reasons. It’s not somewhere they can just travel by a bus or Donghyuck’s car. And it’s a foreign country, and Jeno doesn’t even speak their language and what if something happens on the way there. What if they get lost? What if the allowance Jeno has in his wallet couldn’t afford the expenses there for the whole four days? What if his mother finds out and step in? The farthest Jeno had gone from home by himself is the uni. What if.... “Okay.” 

Jeno startled at Jaemin’s abrupt reaction, letting go of his hands to clap like he won the lottery, then taking them again to kiss the back of Jeno’s palm this time. It’s gone before Jeno could even feel it and for whatever reason, he hid his hands behind him, afraid that Jaemin might do it again. 

“When do we leave?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“What?”

The thing about planes is that Jeno couldn’t stand it. He remembers how terrified he was when Jaemin told him that the flight can take up about 12 hours from Seoul to France. He almost backed out, if it wasn’t from Donghyuck, a _really_ angry Lee Donghyuck at 5am in the morning beeping his car in front of Jeno’s apartment and he had to show up to keep his neighbours from waking up. Jaemin was in the car, too, waving at him and greeting him with a big smile too early in the morning like he wanted to replace the sun. Turns out, Jaemin forced Donghyuck to drive for them and Donghyuck is gone before they could even thank him once they set foot at the airport. 

“Got your passport with you?”

Jeno is nervous when he says, “Yup.” But he’s calmed when Jaemin takes his hand. 

Jeno sleeps the entire flights and he only wakes when he felt gentle fingers tapping him slightly on the cheek. It was Jaemin who offered him a sandwich that he downed in no time, stomach churning with either hunger or fatigue but he doesn’t think he could eat anymore and refused whatever it was Jaemin is trying to feed him with a spoon. He thinks he’s going to throw up if he eats again and it’s hard to even swallow his own saliva. It was an endless nightmare and Jeno only ever felt awake when he asked Jaemin to accompany him to the restroom, his feet couldn’t stand on their own, then Jaemin offered to help him with his pants and already tugging on the button of his jeans. It rang a bell and Jeno was quick to shove him out of the cubicle, cursing at him out loud forgetting they’re on the plane with some passengers sleeping and Jaemin had the audacity to laugh. 

The next time Jeno woke up, they’re on Paris, Jaemin tells him. It’s in the afternoon when they arrived but Jeno is too spent to feel anything but the fatigue of the long hour flight. They took the cab, and minutes later, they’re in front of a old ten-story hostel that is sandwiched between two tall buildings that look like private properties, though they look somehow like restaurants. The stone walls were impressively carved and the line of small balconies high up are arranged with vases or hanged vineyards to colour the old-fashioned hostel. 

Jaemin kept a hand on his back until they entered the lobby and Jeno is surprised at the contradiction, inside the building were modernised technologies such as fancy looking vending machines right across the reception. The walls and flooring is made up of black ceramics with wide silver linear patterns. Honestly, Jeno expected huge chandeliers, but small white and yellow light bulbs are scattered above the ceiling like that one bar Jeno had been to. He watches Jaemin greeted the pretty lady from the receptions, blonde hair and red dress, beautiful face highlighted with deep red lipstick. They’re exchanging something in English and Jeno can understand half of it but is surprised how quick she was on handing him the keys. 

“Let’s go.” Jaemin tells him. He takes Jeno’s luggage, pushing the two with ease on the smooth floorings. When they entered the glass door, Jeno is amused at how sparse the lobby is. There are silk couches in each corner, and surrounding the huge flat screen TV on the path to the dining hall and another room that reads “Eifell Coffee.” The walls and floor was much lighter in this area, bone white and classical paintings are hanged in order. They stopped in front of a gigantic elevator and Jaemin placed a hand on the back of his neck, coaxing him to step in. 

Jeno watches the numbers from the small screen 1 2 3.....9. Ding. 914. Their room was the last to the pathway and as soon as they entered inside, Jeno went straight to the bathroom. His stomach kept on churning violently and Jaemin was behind him, patting him on the back as he forces everything out and up on the toilet bowl. When his breathing calmed, he thanked Jaemin and ask him to leave, embarrassed of how he looked right now. He washed up, discarding his long sleeves to the racks and feels hot even with just a shirt. When he comes out, he noticed that the door to the bathroom was a thin glass and squints at it, to check if the other can see what the other is doing inside. He brushes off the thought, nausea still clawed around his throat and looks at Jaemin who’s standing by the window. 

“There’s so much to see.” Jaemin says, looking at him. 

There’s only one bed and it’s big enough for two people and it’s too comfortable for Jeno to actually claim the couch. They used to sleep in one bed without a problem a year ago, so this shouldn’t be a problem now. 

“Jaemin, I’m sorry.” Jeno mutters to the pillow when he felt Jaemin’s weight on the other side of the bed. “I’m too tired to do anything now.” He says. This was supposedly a fun trip for the both of them, a distraction they both needed, and not about Jeno and his jetlag. 

“Of course, we will rest first, silly. I’m tired too.”

The next time Jeno woke up, it was dark, but it’s a good thing his head doesn’t feel like it’s breaking into halves anymore. Only the lights casting from the moon through the window lit up the dark room. When Jeno turns to his stomach, he’s face with Jaemin who’s on his phone, head rested against the headboard. “Hi. What time is it?” He asked in hoarse voice. 

Jaemin looks like he startled a little and the light from his phone was gone before he answers. “It’s 12am. Are you feeling better?”

“Lot better.” Jeno smiles when he says this. He’s in Paris, with Jaemin, and he can’t wait to explore it on the days they have left on their stay here. He can’t wait to see the Haussmannian architectures, and to have a taste of the the mouth-watering smell of the pastries, freshly baked bread, and the smell of coffee wafting the air. Day 1 was wasted, and he feels sorry about that. “I’m—“

“Want something to eat?” Jaemin shifts on the bed and Jeno can tell from his voice their facing each other now. 

“If you want we can go down the lobby’s cafe, or is the cold lasagne fine with you? Oh, fine, no. I'll go down to get you food. What do you like?” Jaemin is already sitting up when he says this.

“The cafe? I know you want your coffee at this ungodly hour.”

“Right.” Jaemin laughed. 

Jaemin informs him that the cafe was of service for 24 hours and there are only a few people when they get there, either fighting sleep with their mugs of coffee or just there for the wifi. They ordered pastas and french breads and Jeno didn’t think a croissant could taste so much better than the ones he used to buy at the bakery on the front gates back in grade school. 

The first thing Jeno wants to do the next day they woke up to sunrise is to apologise. They’re supposed to stay there only for four days and a day went to nothing because of his jet lag. Before he could even open his mouth, Jaemin smiled at him, and says, “Let’s start our first day here!” 

Everything went smooth and easy with Jaemin around. He talked for a minute or two with the driver of the double bus, and the next second, they’re sitting on the top seats. It was hot but the couple behind them lend them an umbrella that Jaemin holds for the two of them the whole time they sight see. The streets were busy, surrounded by other tourists marching from shops to restaurants, and sidewalk vendors to entertain not just the children but everyone in town. There are monuments too, insanely tall light posts, and canals, which made it feel like they’re on a very big museum. They stopped by the opera house that was called The Palais Garnier, an architectural jewel in Paris with fascinating history in Paris’ ballet and classical music milieu. Jaemin bought the entrance ticket for the both of them before Jeno could even object and told him not to worry about it. As they walk further from the front steps, they are welcomed by the golden statues of Apollo, unique paintings, monuments and architectures. But the first to catch their attention was the grand staircase that they pointed with their fingers at the same time, flanked by 30 large pink and white marble columns. They stride there and took pictures of each other on the entrance and send it to their group chat. 

Jeno was surprised that the auditorium was accessible to the tourists and they sat on the audience seat for experience, admiring the horse shoe shaped like theatre. Jaemin dreamily tells him about wanting to see Donghyuck and Renjun perform there, then he tells Jeno that Chenle, other than his outstanding piano skills, is actually a good singer and Jeno was surprised to hear that for the first time. There’s a beat of silence, when Jaemin says he wants to see Jisung dance there, too. He tells Jeno that Jisung can dance to hiphop, temporary, or even ballet with so much fondness in his eyes like Jisung hadn’t hurt him. “Did I talk too much? I’m sorry.” Jaemin laughed coyly. Probably when he noticed that most of the tourists in their batch already left in the auditorium and there’s another swarm of people at the entrance. 

Seeing the grand foyer makes a twist in Jeno’s heart. It was beautiful, the huge candlelit chandelier hanging above an 18 meter high painted framed ceiling. The hall was covered with gold paintings, and real gold and everything shines so prettily like they’re surrounded by the fireflies. They stayed there for awhile, just taking in the view and Jeno didn’t mind it when he sees Jaemin taking pictures of him with his camera. These were good memories, anyway. 

The library was nostalgic. Upon entering the gigantic wooden entrance door, the well stocked vast collection of old books can be smelled. “If the smell of coffee does it for you, then it’s the smell of book that does it for me.” Jeno says when he sees Jaemin winced at the smell, but held his camera up anyway and takes a picture of Jeno smiling. Jeno entertained himself sightseeing the collections of fine drawings, pencil sketches, and 3D model of stage sets. When he starts to cough, though, Jaemin initiates that they leave. 

It’s late afternoon when they left the opera house and they rode the same double decker bus. The next stop was another opera house called Palais Garnier. They didn’t get inside, though, and took long walks on the side streets right along the Seine River. It was cold, and maybe Jaemin was cold too, that they didn’t realise they’re entangled hands for warmth. There’s a growing flame from Jeno’s chest, probably from the beauty of the place and he can’t believe he’s there. It still felt like a dream. 

Before the day ends, they had the best Japanese Wagyu at Michelin Star and Jeno’s hunger throughout the day was sated. They even fought for the last piece, but Jaemin won and Jeno couldn’t hide his pout. But Jaemin was smiling at him, wide, and feed him the last piece. “I’m paying this time, okay?”

“Jeno, no. I asked you to come with me and I should take responsibility on at least the food we eat." Jaemin argues, blinking when Jeno might be sending him an unconvinced stare. "Did you know that the hotel was free? So are the tickets to the grand opera and the bus rides. It’s all part of the trip.” Jaemin explains. He lifts up a tissue on Jeno’s face the Jeno took and wiped the sauce off the corner of his own lip. 

“Really? How much did you won when you went to Shanghai?” He asked, curious. 

“This, right now.” Jaemin smiles at him, gesturing on both him and Jeno. “And a few bucks and a new camera lense. “

“That sounds so rich!” Jeno says, grinning to tease him and Jaemin snorts. “What was your masterpiece about anyway?” 

There’s a big smile on Jaemin’s face that Jeno hadn’t realised he had mirrored, the devotion written all over his face when he took in a breath before speaking, “It’s Jisung.”

“Oh.” Jeno doesn’t hear himself saying and did the smile on his face dropped just now?

“We were fooling around in my bed,” Jaemin starts. 

Jeno swallows. _Fooling around._ He heard that again. _What does that even supposed to mean?_

“He kept taking my camera but I wouldn’t give it to him and he won’t stop. So I played the song I know he likes on my phone and he just got up, jump on my bed to it and he started dancing so happily. Actually, the photo was bad when I took it but he was beautiful and I did a lot of editing. He looked so happy, and his eyes were so pretty that you can see his pure heart just by looking at them.” Fondness is written all over Jaemin's face when he says this. Of course, Jaemin likes Jisung, and Jeno really shouldn't been surprised at all.

When he hears this, it clearly dawns at him, that one emotion that jumps out of his chest whenever Jaemin talks about Jisung. He was _jealous_. Jealous in a way that just hearing Jisung’s name from Jaemin’s mouth makes his ears prick up, and when Jaemin talks fondly about him, it feels like there are tiny fangs scraping along the expanse of his chest, but not enough to hurt, but to just _feel_. _So this is what jealousy feels like?_ He steels himself when Jaemin says while laughing, “But don’t tell Jisung that. He might take half of the prize from me if he finds out.” 

Jeno wonders if Jaemin noticed his indifferent laugh, because he looks up at him and his grin turns into a thin line at the same time Jeno looks down on his food. The oyster soup tastes bland and he doesn’t want it anymoreㅡdoesn’t want to hear _it_ anymore. But Jaemin is no evil. He didn’t mean to make Jeno feel this way, and hell he doesn’t even know what’s in Jeno’s head right now. 

The cab ride back to their hostel was quiet and it’s awful how Jaemin thought that the cold shoulder was because Jeno was tired and full. That night, after he showered and it was Jaemin’s turn to the restroom, he hears him calling Jisung from the phone and Jeno decides to sleep without bidding him a goodnight. 

Jeno woke up with a better mood the next day. He thinks much about it while he was in the shower, away from Jaemin’s gaze that seems to watch his every movements with those pretty eyes. Sometimes, Jeno thinks that Jaemin can read him like an open book and it scares Jeno, that maybe Jaemin knows more of Jeno’s own feelings than himself. He wakes up to a breakfast in bed that Jaemin prepared. Actually, he didn’t even made it, it was provided by their hostel, but it was pleasing that Jaemin carefully placed it on the bed side table right beside Jeno’s sleeping form. It was French Toast and macaroons but halfway through eating the toast, Jaemin tells him to stop. Literally covering his mouth with his hands that Jeno had to bit his finger. Turns out he wanted to visit a breakfast restaurant where they had pasta and tea.

"Why did you even bother to prepare this if you don't want me to eat it?" Jeno protests.

"Just because." Jaemin mouths without any words to follow.

They take a walk on the neighborhood of Modernist Paris to explore artists’ studios, apartment blocks and and luxury villas that sprung up in a district that had only recently been incorporated into Paris proper. Yesterday’s tension wasn’t necessary. He figured he was just put off at the thought of Jaemin thinking about his other friends when Jeno is right in front of him. That kind of friendly jealousy. Right, that’s it. Hell he didn’t give a single crap when Jaemin approached two young Japanese girls on the the table when they had lunch at Carette who kindly refused to join them on their tour. Jeno jokes that the girls refused because Jaemin looks like a creep but regrets it eventually when Jaemin leaned his face close to Jeno, asking, "Really?"

They continued their tour on Musee d’Orsay. It’s one of the world’s top museum that exhibits Impressionists arts which contains the paintings of one of the most famous illustrist. Jeno doesn’t know the meaning behind the paintings or the naked sculptures, but there’s something spine chilling about seeing them with his eyes, especially those sculptures that looks alive. Then with peak curiosity, he stares at the painting that’s named Decadent Romans and the Roman Orgy by Thomas Couture. Jeno wonders why it’s there, or why and how is it even made, making out the figures on the painting when Jaemin flicks him slight on the forehead.

“What are you staring at?” Jaemin asks with a teasing smirk. 

“N—nothing. I was just curious.” Jeno blushes, looking away from the painting. 

“Okay, then. Let’s go, moody puppy.”

Jeno blushes even more at the nickname. “I’m not! And I’m not a puppy either!”

Jaemin laughed heartily and they strolled around the museum more. Hand in hand, and Jeno thinks it’s because Jaemin is afraid to get lost in the crowds of people too, in a foreign country. 

The dinner provided by the hostel wasn’t so bad either and the only time that day Jeno checked his phone was when it buzzed three times. He’s too occupied to use his phone since yesterday, finding it not necessary since it’s already a handful to be in Paris and they only have much time to see everything. It’s once in a life time opportunity. Better make the most out of it. The message that was sent three times in a row was from Donghyuck and Jeno almost screamed when he reads, 

**From: choco ball**

hey jen how’s it going with jaemin? btw i know u wouldn’t get pregnant but better use protection for safety, okay? xo!

Maybe Jeno didn’t scream, but there must’ve been a weird sound that escaped his mouth because Jaemin who just come out from the shower, shirtless and only a towel wrapped around his waist, is looking at him with a questioning look. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Jeno says fast, tossing his phone under the pillow. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Don’t scare me like that!” Jeno pales. It’s a hundred year old building and it’s possible. He hasn’t shower yet and he doesn’t think he will anymore. 

Jaemin laughed. “Aren’t you gonna shower?” He asked, sitting on the side of the bed while drying his hair with a towel.

“I was going too! But you scared me!” Jeno hisses. In such a way Jaemin always mocked him saying he's a cat. 

Jaemin snickers. “Want me to join you, then?”

Jeno snorts and strolls towards the bathroom. All thoughts of ghosts and hotel murderers now gone from his head when he heard Jaemin’s phone rings and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is, “Jisung.”

Their fourth day in Paris, which is their last, Jeno feels more overwhelmed than ever. Maybe it hasn’t sink in his head yet that they’re here, he hasn’t fully comprehend that they’re in a foreign country and one of the prettiest at that and Jeno get to experience to see those beautiful museums, halls and Opera like it was only just a dream, yet it’s already ending. 

Jeno is seated beside the bed, gathering his stuffs on the small backpack when Jaemin joined him on the floor. Jaemin reaches for the purse and Jeno watches him pushed in the cards that half slid out of the holder. He pulled out the card flash drive, scanning it. "What is this?"

"It's a card usb. Yangyang gave it to me as a birthday gift." Jeno says.  
  
  


  
"Huh? Why would he give you a gift?" Jaemin asked with a raised brow.  
  
  
  
"Don't know. Maybe for my birthday?" 

Jaemin snorts loud, placing the card back in. Jeno doesn't understand why his mood seemed down by the time they finished preparing and he's only ever smiley again when they're on the cab.

The first thing they did late in the morning is to hop from shops to another. There were sophisticated and expensive brands but Jeno didn’t say anything when Jaemin bought an overpriced purse for his mother, because that’s Jaemin, he just gives and gives without asking for anything in return and who is he to question that. After a quick lunch at the Italian Pastamore, they took a cab to the Jardin des Tuileries. Jaemin looked it up on his phone and informed Jeno that there used to be a Palace in the place that was burned down by the Paris Commune back in the 18th Century and it was the garden that survived which means they’re setting foot on a place that’s been alive since the 15th century. At the same time Jaemin’s phone buzzed and he asked Jeno, “Has Donghyuck been texting you too?”

Jeno’s ears pinked. Was Hyuck texting Jaemin the same thing he texted Jeno last night. “What did he tell you?”

“He told me to take care of you.”

“What else?” Jeno asks, unable to look him in the eye. 

“Actually he’s threatening to kill me if I don’t take care of you. But just so he knows, I’d do it even if he doesn’t tell me.” Jaemin shakes his head and placed his phone back in his pocket. 

Jeno is flushed on the face of how sincere the words are coming out of Jaemin’s tongue about taking care of him. Though he guesses Donghyuck is more discreet with Jaemin than most of his friends to randomly tell him about pregnancy and protection. He still thinks Jaemin is a competition when it comes to Jeno’s friendship. “That’s because he’d known me ever since we were in diapers.”

Jaemin looks at Jeno, really looks at him too close and they’re almost a breath away when he says, “But does he know you like I know you?”

Jeno backs away and pushed Jaemin off the chest. 

They stroll down he path along with the hundred other tourists. It’s refreshing to walk through the main tree-line avenue and to see the sculptures. There’s a path that leads to the Jeu De Paume Museum, an exhibition of modern photographs. It showcase the history of photography, videos, and art in multimedia formats. Jaemin looks so happy. Carefully watching everything in awe like he belonged there and although he doesn’t understand how the history or photography works, Jeno finds himself mirror his smile too. They had the view of the Obelisk and the Arch of Triumph from where they’re seated at a bench under the shades of the pine tree where they eat the bread they bought from the bakery at the entrance. 

Then out of nowhere Jaemin says, “Hey, what if Hyuck and Renjun starts dating each other?”

“Huh?” Jeno glances at him, expecting him to laugh but he didn’t. He looks ethereal like that, his brown hair lighter and his tanned skin shines with the sunlight. 

“They just, you know, match. When they fight, it’s too funny. It’s like,” Jaemin squints at the sun above him, struggling in finding the words, yet so handsome with his sunglasses. “they’re so aware of each other’s presence.”

Jeno thinks so, too. That they match. But Jeno knows Donghyuck had been in love with someone from their gradeschool and he’s still in love with her now. “Maybe. Sounds like a good idea.”

“Right?” Jaemin smiled at him. “Then what if Iㅡ”

Jeno had gone impatient when Jaemin cut what he was saying. “What if you?” He asked. 

“Nothing.” Jaemin laughed, taking a sip of his coffee. 

_What if you and I?_ Jeno wonders if that wason the tip on Jaemin’s tongue. But he shakes the thought off, not ready for that conversation either. It’s not like there’s a need to talk about it. And hell he wasn’t even sure if that’s what Jaemin was about to say. 

The afternoon passed with them just strolling around and visiting the extension called The Carrousel Garden which was separated by the Tuileries terrace designed like the pyramid. It was smaller but the best attraction there was the Carrousel Triumph arch. Even if Jeno had seen enough of statues, he still gets amazed by it. Sometimes, he wonders what if they suddenly come to life and runs after them. That was an utter nonsense, _but what if Jaemin thinks that way too?_

One of Jeno’s wildest dreams came true that night. Jeno fights all his urge to jump around, but he couldn’t hide the huge smile that’s plastered on his face, and when he looks at Jaemin, he’s wearing the same grin. The Eiffel looks so much bigger in person, so much wider than it is in pictures or in movies, so much prettier at night. It was beautiful, like a skeleton of metal covered by the lights. The Paris skyline had always been completed with the view of the Eiffel tower standing tall above one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It may sound clichè but it’s the symbol of loveㅡso Jeno just didn’t think Jaemin will take him there. There are so many people, other tourists and children running around, couples holding hands and kissing, there are people who bring dogs or cats too. Then there’s Jeno and Jaemin, leaning on the railings that surrounds the side steps of the tower. 

They didn’t go in further to the crowd, just taking in the view from the side lines and he watches as Jaemin pulled out his camera from his bag. But he was surprised because the camera was pointed at him and he heard a click before Jaemin turns to the tower. The camera fits in the ridge of his hands like it was made for him. 

“I think you accidentally clicked it.” _To my face_ , Jeno tells Jaemin. 

“Yeah?” Jaemin says, angling the camera to the tower and he hears a few clicks. “Where?” He shows the viewfinder to Jeno, scrolling back. There are at least 5 pictures of the towers from different angles and different lightning, and Jaemin stopped at the picture of Jeno. 

The surrounding was dark as the gray sky, illuminated by the bright yellow lights from the tower. In the picture, Jeno’s leaning one of his elbow on the railings, but his hands can’t be seen from the brown coat he’s wearing that’s too big for him. The picture was little blurry. Could be because of Jeno’s movements and that Jaemin took it really fast. But he’s looking straight at the camera, and there’s a warm smile on his face and his eyes that he wasn’t aware of. He felt embarrassed and was about to tell Jaemin to delete it but when he looks up, Jaemin is staring at the picture with a sweet curve of his lips and his eyes are crinkled a bit. He looks deep and contented and Jeno doesn’t understand why so he bites the words back. His face starts to feel hot from the coldness of the night. 

“Do you want to go to the lift?” Jaemin asks, not looking at him. Thank God, Jeno wouldn’t know what to do if he would.

“I’d love to. But the line is too long.”

“I was thinking the same.” Jaemin says, leaning on the rails beside him and their shoulders bumps to each other. “We can just stay here, right?”

Jaemin wasn’t smiling this time when he looks at Jeno. But there’s still a strong twist in his gut and that’s when Jeno feels it. He feels it for real this time. There’s no explanation as to why Jaemin can sweep him off of his feet over the simplest of his smiles, how home and safe he feels when he has Jaemin by his side, why he can show his true emotions with Jaemin around, and the contentment and peace in Jeno’s heart just knowing that Jaemin is there.

Right here, right now, under the velvet dark of the infinite skies and it’s moon and shining stars, with the Eiffel tower and it's pretty lights above their heads who are the witnesses of Jeno liking Jaemin.

Back to their room at the hostel, Jeno feels more lightheaded. The trip had ended too soon, and when they’re back to Korea tomorrow, it wouldn’t be just him and Jaemin anymore. It left a bitter taste on Jeno’s mouth as he imagines Jaemin to come home to Jisung with a warm hug, the souvenirs, with all the stories about the beautiful places and delicious foods in Paris. Jisung will be excited and delighted about his stories, and maybe Jaemin can’t have Jisung because of Chenle being in the picture, but he still feels so much for him. That’s the problem with Jaemin. He loves too much. He loves the kids who ran around him in the plaza making fun of his big front teeth, he loves the elderly sidewalk vendors who ask him to buy their goods even when he doesn’t need them. He loves his classmates who talks behind his back, envy of everything about him. He doesn’t know to tell the kids to stop, doesn’t know how to refuse to the sidewalk vendors, doesn’t see the bad in other people. He doesn’t know how to stop loving everyone around him. Even to Jeno, his friend for a long time who abandoned him for the most selfish reason.

Jeno hadn’t realise he’s staring. Jaemin, with his annoying humour, put the camera down on the bed desk to cover his chest with his hands and lifts his knees to his chest to hide his stomach. Jaemin has really broad shoulders even if he’s still on the thin side. His clavicles are deep right above his chest and toned stomach. A nasty thought suddenly occurred in his headㅡhad Jisung ever laid his fingers on abs? Had his lips ever trace the line of Jaemin’s collarbones. Jeno blushes at his own thoughts and Jaemin’s reaction and turns to the other side of the bed, covering his face with a blanket.

There’s a shift on the bed and Jeno didn’t fight it when Jaemin yanks the cover off him, eyes trained to the wall beside the bed. 

“Hey, what do you have in mind?” Jaemin coos. He cages Jeno’s torso on the bed with his arms. “You’ve been dazing off since we left the Eiffel tower. Did you actually left your soul there, Jeno?”

_I realised that I like you, dumbass._ Jeno didn’t say. “I was just curious.” Jaemin hummed. “When you said you fooled around with Jisung..what does...how far did you..”

“That?” Jaemin snickered. “Well, we just kissed and some stupid things. We stopped a long time ago when he told me he likes Chenle. But I didn’t sleep with him, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Jeno feels restless. He doesn’t felt relief to know that Jisung didn’t sleep with Jaemin but he’s jealous of the images of him kissing Jisung and whatever is that stupid thing he speaks of. Maybe it was better that he didn’t elaborate it. 

“Why are you curious about this?” Jeno looks up at him this time and Jaemin is looking down on his with his thin frame. If he’s red on the ears or on the face, he doesn’t care anymore. “Do you...wanna do it with me?”

Jeno might’ve been sporting an ugly expression now, heart beating our of ribcage as Jaemin inches closer and closer and Jeno closed his eyes when he can feel Jaemin’s breathing on his face, body frozen. He hears a small laugh and jerks when a loud kiss was placed on his temple. 

“I’m kidding. Sorry.” Jaemin says with a laugh. 

With a racing adrenaline, Jeno buries himself under the covers that night and wills his chest to calm when he felt Jaemin wrapped an around from behind him, telling him to sleep. 

Around 5 o’clock in the morning when they left the hostel for their flight. The airport’s ceiling was rounded like a windowed cage, something he didn’t noticed the first time they arrived there. The crowds of people move like a chaotic river and Jaemin stills a hand on Jeno’s arm to keep them from separating as they make they way to the check-in. The flight home was a lot calmer and cold. It’s a good thing he had a good sleep last night. Jeno feels peace and safe with Jaemin’s sleepy head resting on his shoulders. 

The jetlag home wasn’t as bad as from going there. It even surprised him that Jaemin’s parents were the one who picked them up from the airport and welcomed them with a hug. Inside the car, where Jaemin is sound asleep with his head on Jeno’s lap, his mother told Jeno, “I haven’t seen you for a year, Jeno. You weren’t with him when he came back last summer. I even prepared your favourite beef soup.” She says. 

It was a routine that every time they go home on summer break, they usually arrived to Jaemin’s house first late at nightㅡthey leave the apartment late since there is less traffic, he will sleepover at their house before going back to his home the next day. Last summer, Jeno refused Jaemin’s invite to come with his parents for a trip abroad afraid that it will only set fire the flame of Jisung thinking that he and Jaemin are together. This year, Jeno is too hang-up from his breakup to even show himself to his parents. 

“I’ll come visit next time, Ms. Na.”

“That’s too formal!” His mother whines the way Jaemin would, a playful smile on her lips. “You used to call me mom. I was worried when Jaemin said he moved out of your shared apartment. I thought you two fought. He kept telling me it was easier to live with someone from the same department, is that true?”

Jeno froze. Speechless.

“Oh, dear. Let our sons rest,” Mr. Na tells her. Jeno doesn’t know why he was so delighted to hear it now when he used to hear it a lot before _sons._ “They had a really long flight.”

Once in front of his flat, Jeno carefully replaces his lap on Jaemin’s head with a travel pillow. He was so touched when his parents even got out of the car, his mother giving Jeno a warm hug and his father helping him up with his luggage to his room on the third floor. He slept the whole day away. 

His body feels light the next day like he didn’t go through a 12 hour flight, thanks to the antihistamine Jaemin bought for him before the plane ride. In the morning, Jaemin sent him photos from their trip and Jeno could tell Jaemin already worked on them. 

**To: big baNANA**

you could’ve rested instead of doing that, you know. 

It might have sounded a little mean so he adds another message. 

**To: big baNANA**

But you took really them nicely. 

**From: big baNANA**

right??? im not editing your photos though 

**To: big baNANA**

Why?

**From: big baNANA**

they’re perfect the way they are hehe :3

Jeno cringes. No. He reddens. And he’s glad Jaemin isn’t there to see him on this state. Jeno worries Jaemin might’ve noticed it already when they were in Paris but since he hadn’t point it out, it shouldn’t be a problem. 

Now the problem he had to address with his head is this sudden unfortunate event of Jeno realising that he actually liked Jaemin, which may or may have been coexisting with the guilt of Jeno almost ruining their friendship since long time ago. Yet, with his lack of certainty, it could only be a confusion since he was grateful for Jaemin for taking him to Paris and he depended on him lots having only each other on a foreign place and being surrounded by people they don’t know. Now, they’re back in Seoul, with the peaceful place and familiar faces where Jeno wouldn’t see only Jaemin, it could still change. 

Whether it’s pride, guilt, or confusion... Jeno doesn’t want to figure it out anymore. 

When he steps in the campus after a day of absence, Jeno realises he now has two problems at hand. One, how he can bear up his emotions if by any chance, they would run into each other within the school grounds which is a place too small and the world like to play it’s cards like that. Two, this brood worthy Na Jaemin syndrome he developed on that three days trip to Parisㅡhow to act like you don’t like the person you like. 

Turns out it was difficult from the way Jaemin waves at him in the hallway and Jeno knows his ears are already red before Jaemin could even wrapped an arm around his shoulder asking if he slept well. But as they speak, Jeno’s fret is easily subdued by Jaemin’s warmth and smiles that he realises he’s worrying over nothing at all. 

It’s around 8 when Donghyuck visited that night to collect his souvenirs. He snorts when Jeno gave him the turtle miniature he and Jaemin bought from the thrift shop on their second day in Paris, urging Jeno to say something sentimental along the nonsensical gift to make up for it. Jeno just laughed and hands him the paper bag where the gift real gifts are— a mug with souvenir Donghyuck’s initial written on it, a Parisian perfume and the tiny Eiffel Tower replica. Jeno sees his eyes lit up at the last gift. Then Donghyuck demands to see the gift for Renjun too which is almost the same, the mug with Renjun’s initials, the tower replica, but a vintage notepad instead of a perfume. 

“Woah. Sense.” Donghyuck whistles. “Should I give it to him?”

Jeno nods. “I didn’t see him today and I don’t know his schedule tomorrow.”

Donghyuck took his shoes off and makes a run for Jeno’s bed, making himself comfortable. “But hey, dude, Paris. How was it? I still can’t believe Jaemin kidnapped you like that. If it wasn’t Paris, I would beat the shit out of him but since it’s Paris, I assumed he’d ask you to come with him for one reason. So, did he confessed?”

Jeno reddens. “What? No!” 

“What?” Donghyuck aggressively sat up. “He did not? What the fuck, Jaemin, for reals!? That was the perfect place! It’s the city of love! I can’t he wasted such an opportunity. What the fuck.”

“Huh, no... maybe it’s just he didn’t have anything to conf—“

“Don’t give me that! I see it! Everyone sees it! And I know you do, too! It’s obvious. He’s too fucking obvious, Jeno. I don’t know why the two of you are acting too stupid about this.”

Jaemin is charming to everyone, that’s all. Only extra caring to Jisung because he likes him, that’s all. But he isn’t going to bicker with Donghyuck regarding that. “Because there’s really nothing. I think he’s just misunderstood.”

“Geez. I know I betted on Yangyang but shitㅡParis. He’s an idiot!” Donghyuck mewls on Jeno’s pillow, kicking his feet on the bed. 

Jeno laughed because he’s reminded of Donghyuck’s little sister who cried the same way when their mother had to untangle her from clinging onto Jeno’s legs. It’s a tough competition between Renjun and Donghyuck on who’s worst on being a drama king regarding him and Jaemin. What more can they do if they found out that Jeno is currently going through a turmoil with his head and heart on whether he likes Jaemin or not and he hopes it’s the latter. 

“But Jeno, he hasn’t confessed to you yet so we don’t know if he likes youㅡㅡ”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you sinceㅡㅡ”

“Hush.” Donghyuck shushes him with a finger on Jeno’s lips, bumping his nose in the process. “So I’m saying you shouldn’t develop feelings for him just in case.”

“Oh.” Jeno voices out. 

“Oh.” Donghyuck mocks like he already know. He got up from the bed, eyes never leaving Jeno’s with scrutinising gaze as he slowly backs to the door of Jeno’s room and escapes as soon as he can with the gifts. 

A week had past to Jeno being able to catch up with his studies through Yangyang’s generous help. They had to stay on the campus up late to finish another paired project from C++. It’s a simple typing game but they didn’t want to bother for a data migration and the computer room had better air conditioning so they decide to work there, and it could save Jeno some electricity bills too. Yangyang wouldn’t have a problem about electricity bills but he’s completely fine with working at the campus too so everything went well and they were able to hand it over 10 minutes before the deadline . 

“I remembered I was just telling you about how I don’t see you a lot with Jaemin lately, and then I found out you were absent because you went to Paris with him.” Yangyang says, laughing when Jeno gives him the similar Eiffel Tower replica he gave to his friends. 

Foundation week starts tomorrow so Jeno is already planning in his head what excuse he could tell his parents and nosy sister as to why he didn’t come home on summer break. It’s not like they’ll be angry at him or anything, he’s already looking forward to their warm hugs, his cute cousins, and his mother’s cooking but certainly not the suspicions his sister will throw at him because he can already imagine her drilling him and giving him shit like “I’m sure you studying isn’t the reason you didn’t come home on summer break.” on their dinner table. 

All that in his head, under the warm sun and the small leaves falling from the huge tree right above him. When he looks ahead, Jeno freezes, it was Kim Doyoung’s tall frame underneath the same skies. This is not the body reaction Jeno expects he would feel upon seeing him. Too much, too strong, like every ounce of his breathe was taken away from his lungs. Every beat of his heart becomes louder and faster and he couldn’t bear the weight of finally being face to face with his dread. When he sees Doyoung takes a step towards him, he wants to back away, to run away, but he’s afraid he’ll trip with his shaking legs. But Doyoung is closer with every step and Jeno wishes he could just disappear whenㅡ

“Jenoㅡ”

“Jeno! Here you are, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Suddenly, Jaemin is all over his vision. Protective arm is round from behind him and blood starts to flow in his body again, arms that he’d grown accustomed to and he feels his soul returned to his body. When he looks at Jaemin, it felt calm. With this exact moment, it felt like God had arranged it, for Jeno to realise that he it wasn’t just the sparse of the moment when he thought he liked Jaemin in Paris, he might even love him now. “Aigoo. You look sleepy. Come, let’s get you home.” Jeno felt empty the moment Jaemin’s arms left his body but his warm palms was on his face in a heart beat, and he allows it when Jaemin squeezed on his cheek when he normally wouldn’t. He might’ve even smiled at the touch, and let Jaemin manhandles him to his steps, and he never dares to look back. 

Jeno had some time away from everything and everyone when he went home on Foundation week. It’s not really a break, but no attendance requirements means no Jeno, and that’ about it. Fortunately, his sister was away with her colleagues for a trip and Jeno freezes when his mother tells him because he realised they never knew about him going to Paris. It took him two days to finally confessed he went with Jaemin and his mother’s first reaction was, “Jaemin? I haven’t seen him in awhile. Did he not get home on summer break too?” Jeno didn’t answer that and distracted her with the souvenirs he bought for them: Parisian tea set, a scarf and a coffee tumbler. 

On his third day at home, he received a message from Doyoung. He wasn’t as surprised and he might’ve expected it from the time he saw him at the uni, to which he knew Doyoung was going to approach him if Jaemin didn’t come. But he didn’t regret that Jaemin was there at that time. The text reads, “Jeno, it’s me, Doyoung. Can we talk?” Jeno had to think about it. But he considers it in a while thinking there’s nothing to lose, and it will happen eventually, since it’s almost impossible that they won’t run into each other on the school grounds so better make the talk formal. Maybe Doyoung would want to explain himself and Jeno will listen to him questions, as they both try to figure out what happened between them and try to make sense of it. That’s it. In fact, it shouldn’t be relevant that seeing Doyoung reminds Jeno of the good memories they had together, his voice and his smiles, but also the phone call that concluded their breakup. He replied that night and tells him they could talk once he’s back to school. 

His mind isn’t a safe place to be alone with, Jeno realises that he couldn’t get Jaemin off his head. Before he left his apartment, he told Jaemin he’s going home and asked if he wanted to go but he was assigned as the photographer for the event so he couldn’t come even if he wants to. Jeno thinks Jaemin needed distractions as much as he does. In the morning, Jeno wakes up to his long ass good morning messages. In the afternoon, Jaemin sends him texts to remind him not to skip lunch. Then, at night, Jaemin will call him to tell about what how his day went and ask the same thing to Jeno, he doesn’t sleep without hearing the sound of Jaemin’s voice. 

Unfortunately, this doesn’t help Jeno’s dilemma on trying to reflect and sort out his feelings if he really wanted Jaemin romantically or simply his attention and affection that can easily distract Jeno from everything. It’s almost similar so it’s easy to get confused and it’s completely normal to worry about it because Jaemin is his long time friend and suddenly seeing him differently feels a bit strange. Another thing is that he didn’t want to make it seem like he’s resorting to Jaemin because of Doyoung. Or that Jaemin is only resorting to him because of Jisung. Just thinking about it hurts, no matter how groundless the assumption is, and it makes him jealous in ways he couldn’t avoid. 

When Jeno gets back to his apartment on Sunday morning, he didn’t expect Jaemin to be knocking the moment he walks inside his room. Jeno expected a hug, or complaints of _I miss you_ or _Why did you leave without me?_ , but there’s none. Maybe he imagined too much, he assumed too much and it’s one of those days when Jeno had to remind himself that he isn’t Jisung and that he’s just Jaemin’s friend who he took to Paris because he couldn’t take Jisung with him. For whatever reason, none of them is saying a word but he allowed Jaemin to join him to his room and sit on his bed while Jeno is arranging his paper works on his desk. Jeno decided if Jaemin wouldn’t say anything, then he wouldn’t too, and if that’s the case then he can meet with Doyoung today so they could talk. If he’s honest with himself, Jeno is looking forward to it. Still seeking for a reason, for a validation as to why Doyoung left him, for his self-worth. 

“Where are you going?” It was Jaemin who speaks first. 

Jeno didn’t look at him, shrugging in his coat jacket. He hadn’t ask Jaemin yet if he intentionally imposed that day when he met Doyoung at the school grounds, if he even sees him, but then again there’s no reason for Jaemin to do that so he shrugged off the question. “I’m going to talk to Doyoung today.” He says. He hadn’t text him yet, but he could stay at a coffee shop where he could think about it some more. 

There’s moment of silence but Jeno is still isn’t looking at Jaemin. The tapping of his foot on the floor stops, too, like he’s trying to get his attention. But Jeno wouldn’t admit that he’s sulky because Jaemin didn’t welcomed him warmly when Jeno misses him so much, these are things Jaemin didn’t have to know. 

“Can you not go?”

The question made Jeno look at him this time and the inexplicable dullness in Jaemin’s eyes made a twist in Jeno’s guts. “Why?”

The stare Jaemin is sending him burns. And the hand that reaches up to hold his wrist under the coat burns, too. 

“I don’t want you to go.”

“Why not?” Jeno wants to know. 

“I don’t know, I just.” Jaemin had his gaze dropped on the floor for a reason Jeno doesn’t understand, at a time like this when he wants to look at his eyes the most. “I’m sorry,” he lets out a bitter laugh. “I’m sorry I was being selfish. For saying that. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why can’t I go, Jaemin?” Jeno asked again. 

“Nothing, I just, I was just being selfish.” _Selfish for what?_ “You can talk to him, of course. If you want to, you can. I mean I... I don’t have the right to stop you or anything. You can go.” Jaemin says with a small smile when he looks up at Jeno, but his there’s a heavy expression in his eyes, and the clutch on Jeno’s wrist only tightens even more. 

He doesn’t know if the Jaemin right in front of him is his friend who cares too much and stopping him from the possible pain that was caused by the same person. Or if the Jaemin in front of him has more words in his eyes than his lips? 

“You don’t get to decide that.” Jeno dares to say and in an instant, the hold around his wrist loosens. 

There’s a smirk on Jaemin’s face, a bitter one, and Jeno watches him licks his lips but he isn’t looking up at him. This is the first time Jeno had seen Jaemin like this, with his ego stripped out of him, and Jeno is scared. Jaemin lets out a loud exhale and nodded to himself, “You’re right.”, he says with an extremely low voice. The bed creaks when he stood up and he makes his way to leave. Jeno doesn’t understand why his reflex to it was to stride to Jaemin saying, “Wait— Jaemin, I—“, Jeno coiled up in Jaemin’s eyes, the words disappears in his mouth before he can even think about it. 

Jeno didn’t get to processed it when Jaemin grabs him on the cheeks. In a heart beat, Jaemin’s lips were against his. It started as a close-mouthed kiss, with Jaemin’s tongue tracing every corner of Jeno’s lips. It felt good and Jeno loosens up without thinking, allowing Jaemin’s tongue an entrance and Jeno kisses him back with the same hunger. Jeno knows Jaemin doesn’t love him back, but somehow he can’t stop, too dazed from the sensation of Jaemin’s mouth on his, his hand rested below Jeno’s ears while his thumb caresses his cheek, his other tight on Jeno’s hip. Jeno reaches up to cling his arms around Jaemin’s neck as he backs him up against the wall. Jeno inhaled sharp when Jaemin sucks at his tongue with enough force to make him groan into it. 

Jeno shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be putting his feelings on the line for someone who never feels the same. For Jaemin, this could just be lustful kiss, carried by the moment, but for Jeno it’s not. These are all his feelings he harboured for someone he knows he can’t have, but he’s addicted, he couldn’t stop. 

It’s only when Jeno stiffled a surprised gasp when Jaemin bit harshly on his bottom lip, and Jaemin pulled away like he was burned. All of his warmth leaving Jeno in an instant. Jaemin’s wide eyes is looking at Jeno in full shock, his still sore lips held open, like he’s only realising what they did. There’s a pinch in Jeno’s heart, no, it’s breaking, it breaks, as he watches Jaemin’s almost robotic steps backing away from him. “Je—Jeno. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you---why did--” _Why did you do it?_ no, it was more of like, _Why did you stop?_ Jeno asks with shaking lips, tears rolling down his still warm cheeks. 

Jaemin lets out a frustrated sigh, palming his face, like he regrets it so much and Jeno couldn’t help but think that Jaemin certainly didn’t feel this way when he kissed Jisung. “Can we just— can we just forget it. Jeno, please?”

Jeno felt the urge to scream at him. _Why did you do it? Did you think about what it would left me before you kissed me? Are you really this coward?_ But Jeno’s utmost composure didn’t allow him to do that. With his heavy heart, he tells Jaemin, “You can leave now, Jaemin.”

“But Jeno, I was just—“

“Please, Jaemin. Please.”

It seems Jeno’s answer to heartbreak is avoidance and he skip another day of his classes the next day. He doesn’t know how to show himself to Jaemin. His courage to talk to Doyoung bursted like bubble and now he felt sensitive with everything around him. Jaemin’s lips reminded him of the pain Doyoung had caused him that day. But this time, he knows that he’s responsible to it, too, by kissing Jaemin back. 

Renjun’s knock on his door was too loud that Jeno had to come out of his shower half naked, with only a towel on his waist, before his grumpy neighbours could chew him out or report his sorry ass to the landlord for being too loud. Renjun had to audacity to snort, though, scanning his body and Jeno reddens and runs back to the shower. He already know what Renjun was up to, but he still acted surprised when Renjun starts with, “So, you and Jaemin kissed, huh?” 

It didn’t sound real. Moreover, hearing it from someone else’s mouth. Jeno swallows the lump in his throat and pulled out his desk chair, not being able to look Renjun in the eyes, he plays with the paper clips on a tube on the table, suddenly finding the colors too fascinating. 

“What about it? I honestly thought you’d do more than that when the two of you went to Paris alone.” Renjun says, shrugging like what he said didn’t sound strange at all.

“Why—why would we do more than what!? Huh?” Jeno blushes. 

“Come on, Jeno. Stop acting dumb!” Renjun whined aggressively. 

“I’m not acting dumb, okay? I know he doesn’t like me. He still likes Jisung, and that much is clear to me.” Jeno says and he couldn’t help the wave of jealousy crashing to him when he had to admit to himself this. “Jaemin is still the same person. When we—when we went to Paris, all he does is talk about Jisung this, Jisung that, and he would’ve taken Jisung with him if he didn’t start dating Chenle. I was just....” _A replacement_ , Jeno didn’t continue. 

Renjun nods in understanding and it seems he’s having a hard time to erase the crease in his brows. “If that’s the case, why would he come running to me early in the morning today crying and telling me you wouldn’t come to class because you’re mad at him, begging me to make sure you were okay.”

Jeno looks at Renjun, the words, _Why did he run to you and not me_? linger at the tip of his tongue. “It’s okay.” Jeno says. “I only skipped today because I’m bloated from crying last night. It should be fine tomorrow. I’ll come to my classes tomorrow.”

“I asked you this already, but I’m asking again,” Jeno shivers. “Are you jealous of Jisung, Jeno?”

Jeno painstakingly nods. He didn't lied before when he said no he wasn't, and what used to be a ridiculous thought is now tearing his heart to pieces when it bended to a truth. There’s no point in hiding it. What are the odds that before he could even fix his heart after breaking it for Doyoung, this catastrophe with Jaemin had to happen. “It’s okay, it’s fine.” Jeno says, but more to himself than Renjun, trying to convince himself. “We can just—I can just go back to not talking to him. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

Renjun nods with him. “Right. I mean, that’s what cowards do. You and Jaemin. That can certainly help you solve shit.”

The sarcastic scolding had Jeno bit his bottom lip. Last night was enough and he doesn’t want to cry anymore. Renjun is right. He is a coward. And if he goes back to ignoring Jaemin, it wouldn’t solve anything, like the one with Doyoung ended without closure. But it’s not like Jaemin and him were together, they just kissed, and the problem is that it impacted Jeno more than it should. “I don’t like this feeling—you see. I don’t, don’t wanna face it. It’s too sudden. It’s too unclear. I could just be confused because he was there for me this whole time.”

“Jeno...I’d just hate to see you mulling over it. When you can talk about it, when you can get your answers.” Renjun coos, his voice softer this time. 

“I just don’t want to get myself hurt again.” Jeno says with all honesty, knowing Jaemin had nothing to offer him. 

“This is hurting you too, Jeno.” 

“I’ll be alright.”

Renjun sends him a sad smile before he gets up and embraces Jeno in a warm hug. 

“Thank you, Renjunnie.”

When Donghyuck heard about it on the night the three of them had dinner, he didn’t freaked out like Jeno expected. Though he looked baffled for a moment, speechless while eyeing the two of them. The first thing he says was, “Doyoung wants to talk with you?” Jeno was too ready to defend himself from the Jaemin commotion, something close to _Jaemin kissed you because he likes you, stupid!_ that he faltered at the question about Doyoung.

“We talked yesterday.” He says. They run into each other at the hallway yesterday after his classes and Doyoung took him at the benches at the back wing of the Engineering department where they used to date when they were together. It was nostalgic—the good memories were there and the person was right in front of him. Jeno’s own composure amuses him, too, on how easily he managed to present himself to Doyoung like he was a new person, like he didn’t cry about him on those countless sleepless nights, like he didn’t lost his self confidence after making him feel worthless. “Said he was sorry for leaving me like that. Said he didn’t want distractions for that important research of his. Told me he regret it and asked if we could be friends again so he can make up to me even with just the two of us being friends.”

“What did you say?” Renjun asked. 

“I said no.”

“Why not?” Donghyuck raised a brow at him from across the table.

“I didn’t think it was necessary.”

“Why is it when the last time we talked about it, you said you’re still in love with him?” Donghyuck leans in the table. 

“That’s not how I felt when I saw him yesterday.” 

“What has changed?” Donghyuck digs. “Is it Jaemin?”

Jeno doesn’t answer. 

There’s a hilarious pout on Donghyuck’s face when he got up from his seat, literally shoves Renjun and takes over to sit beside Jeno. “Did I tease too much? Is it my fault?” He coos, rubbing his chin on Jeno’s shoulder. 

It’s nobody’s fault other than his own unruly heart, and Jeno hates that Donghyuck is feeling guilty about it. You can’t really stop your heart from feeling something, be it for better or for worse. He laughed when Donghyuck leaned in closer, his face even more hilarious this time and Renjun is wincing from across the table in disgust. 

“What? You tease him too! So this is your fault, too!” Donghyuck accused Renjun, throwing Jeno’s used tissue at him. 

Renjun juts his bottom lip with an eyeroll like the didn’t just hear that. 

“You even betted on Jaemin!”

That fell on deaf ears again. 

Like the usual, for a lighter atmosphere Jeno knows his two friends are trying to arrange for him, their conversation falls into anything Donghyuck and Renjun can argue about. Jeno laughs at their every witty remarks, always amused at the patience they have for each other because it always seemed like they are ready to square all the time but that was never the case. Adding up to that is how they managed to sport those ugly expressions they send each other without laughing. 

“Now for the real problem here,” Donghyuck starts. Jeno thought he’s gonna pretend he left his wallet again so he wouldn’t pay for his order. “Am I gonna pretend like I didn’t know anything or do I have to avoid Jaemin now too? Oh god. Reminds me of the time I met him in the hallway back then and I was trying to ignore him but he’s looking at me with those rabbit eyes and he literally manhandled me to the lockers and threatened to kiss me if I don’t talk to him.” Donghyuck hugs himself, shivering. 

“Oh Geez.” Renjun belches. “Is kissing his answer to everything? I saw him doing that to Chenle too.”

_Jaemin. Kiss_. Jeno could only sigh at the memory. 

“Gross, right? And imagine our Jeno here, kissed Jaemin back and God knows what they did with each other’s mouth, oh my god.” Donghyuck dramatically says, holding his chest like he’s having a heart attack. 

It’s normal for their friends to find it strange, Jeno and Jaemin kissing each other and Jeno knows how much he regrets that. He knows better than telling them how addictive it felt. “Hey, I’m here!”

“Right?” Renchun fake vomits. “Imagine...” He gestures to himself then Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck exhales like he’s going to faint. 

“Hey, that’s nasty...”

“You’re nasty!” they tell Jeno in unison. 

Jeno’s never felt this embarrassed in front of his friends. 

Needless to say, avoiding Jaemin at the campus was easy. They just don’t cross paths. None of their subjects are on the same building and their schedules don’t really match so they didn’t have to run into each other on the hallways. Other than the few times when he goes with Renjun and Donghyuck to eat lunch at the cafeteria and he will see Jaemin with Jisung and his group of friends, Jeno would excuse himself before they could even see him and Donghyuck and Renjun who understands the situation just let him. Or that one time Jeno went to the library to borrow a book and it happens that Jaemin and Jisung are seated on the table close to the librarian counter, Jisung raised a hand to call him and waves, signalling to their table and Jeno sends him an awkward smile and he’s out in an instant before Jisung could even call Jaemin’s attention. Jisung is oblivious to everything, doesn’t know the jealousy in Jeno’s heart that makers him avoid the younger. Jeno think he’s being unfair to Jisung but he can’t deem himself to talk about it. Some things are better left unsaid. 

Jisung is nothing but kind to Jeno, respects him more than anyone, but there’s so much to feel about his subject of jealousy. It wasn’t hate, but somewhere along the lines of envy and insecurity, so Jeno doesn’t find it healthy to keep in touch with him and Jaemin. At some point, too, the images of Jaemin kissing Jisung would replay like a mantra in his head and it’s not good for him. Yangyang sudden interjections of “Hey, look. It’s Jaemin. “ or “Hey, Jaemin was looking at you. Didn’t you see him?” doesn’t help too but Jeno is glad that his attention span isn’t very remarkable and Jeno can pretend he didn’t hear him by changing the topic. Jeno couldn’t be more glad that Yangyang and Jaemin are mutuals who are never in greeting terms with each other despite having the almost similar circle of friends.

Avoiding Doyoung isn’t so hard either. He’s become a member of the faculty, Jeno can guess from the ID he’s wearing and the fact that he’s going back and forth to their uni. They usually cross paths on the hallway since the Faculty departments is next to the engineering building but Jeno can easily pretends he didn’t see him or just sends him an awkward smile when Doyoung finds him first. But Jeno isn’t bitter, contrary to what Donghyuck teases him, Jeno avoids Doyoung because he think it’s the correct action. Jeno can forgive him, but the sting of the breakup will never leave his chest. 

The last weeks of the semester are hectic as he remembers. There are plenty of assigned home works and deadlines all cramped up the week before finals. It’s good thing that projects from tough programming courses are done by group or partnered, so mostly it’s Yangyang and Jeno, and they are both cramped between learning their crafts or to just finish everything through codes supplied by internet. On Finals week, Jeno’s apartment become Yangyang’s too, trying to work out everything they can in Jeno’s laptop and often times they’re knocked out anywhere on Jeno’s couch. 

Coding requires so much work that you will lose track of the time if you commit to it. Jeno can say he’s distracted, very distracted, yet he knows at the back of his mind is Jaemin’s name and it lingers there without fail. Turns out, trying to avoid thinking about someone only makes you think of them more. So Jeno doesn’t even fight it anymore, allowing all thoughts about him run freely on his mind and chest. 

There are times when Jeno would look at him when he knows Jaemin doesn’t see him. He looks fine, he looks okay, he looks happy, likewise to those days Jeno stopped talking to him. If he can be happy, then Jeno can be happy too. 

The only time Jeno could get an actual sleep was on the last night of finals. He remembers going home and passing out on his bed after the last written exam on Integral Calculus and he woke up mid afternoon the next day. Apparently, sleeping for 18 hours isn’t actually refreshing and he wakes with a terrible headache and body heavy like someone sat on his back the whole night. Jeno is going home for the first semester break where he can distract himself instead of getting boozed or brooding in his apartment. An idea he should’ve considered last summer break. Thinking about it, if he had go home instead, Jeno would’ve been so drunk that night and Jaemin didn’t have to pick him up from the bar and they wouldn’t have made up and Jeno didn’t have to fall for him. But that was an inevitable mistake and Jeno is on the process of forgiving himself from making that mistake. 

He’s got an hour to shower and to pack but Jeno’s body wouldn’t cooperate and he had do drag himself to the bathroom, screeching when the cold water hits his skin. His eyes burn, too, and his throat feels dry even after chugging two glasses of water. He lazily packs and tries to fit his things on his backpack. Bringing a luggage on the bus could be hassle so he only brings necessary items and a few clothes. Three weeks break isn’t that long and he had a few pair of clothes at home anyway so bringing a few with him shouldn’t be a problem.

If there’s traffic and he can’t make it to the train station on time, it wouldn’t be so bad to take the taxi too though it’s going to cost lots. Jeno made sure to unplug all his appliances and once he’s check everything is done, running back to his room to get his ear pads,and thought of asking his neighbour a favour to watch his house for him. The moment Jeno took a step outside the door, making sure he’s locked it from the inside, strong hands gripped both his arms and Jeno is more terrified than relieved when he it’s Renjun and Donghyuck suspiciously smiling at him and dragging him on his feet. 

“Hey, what are you doing?!” Jeno squealed when Donghyuck squeezed his bicep. 

“We’re kidnapping you.” Donghyuck laughed like a villain. 

“Hey, let me go. I, I’m going home. Let me...” Jeno’s protest died down, body too weak and worn out to even squirm out of their hold. “Renjunnie...”

“No.” Renjun says with a huge grin. 

Jeno believes his body will only hurt more if he tries to fight and just allow his friend to drag him on the staircase from the third floor building, screaming when the three of them almost fall in if it wasn’t for Renjun’s tight grip on the handrail and he yells at Donghyuck for being clumsy and how that fall could’ve ruined his handsome face. Donghyuck says he wasn’t handsome at all and they start to calling each other names, which had Jeno’s protests of “Let me go.” fall into deaf ears. 

Jeno knows it’s already trouble from the moment Renjun and Donghyuck flashes him that smile while clutching his arms to immobilise him, what more is Donghyuck’s car parked in front of Jeno’s apartment building. “Donghyuck, my mom is waiting for me at home. I swear, if this is something crazy I—“ They didn’t let Jeno finish and shoved him on the backseat and for the love of God, his eyes meets with someone so familiar and Jeno froze at how shaken he is to the core to be met with Jaemin’s eyes. His grip on the car door tightens, and he staggers to finally rests his weight on the seat, eyes still glued on Jaemin’s own like there was magnet in them. And Jeno is only back on his trance when Jaemin blinks that Jeno must’ve mirrored because Jaemin shrugged at him like saying _I don't know what;s going on either_ , showing Jeno his wrists that’s tied together to what Jeno could guess are shoelaces, resting on his knees up to his chest. Though he looks calm and unbothered, and directs his gaze back to the phone in his struggling hands. For some reason, the dismissiveness left a bitter taste on Jeno’s mouth but what does he expect? The last time Jeno was able to look Jaemin in the eyes was when they....kissed. 

“If any of you tries to jump, you’d be dead meat and that won’t be my problem.” Donghyuck warns, grabbing coolly at the steering wheel and starting the engine. 

Jeno feels nervous being in a close proximity next to Jaemin while his mind kept on wavering on that time they ki— 

“Okay, but, at least, untie me?” Came Jaemin’s soft voice. 

Jeno calms his breathing, feeling hot under the collar. From the rear-view mirror, he watches Renjun help Jaemin to untie it but his eye falls to Jaemin’s hair that looks a soft mix dark grey and sky blue, messy and a little lengthy. His creased brows visible from his bangs, focusing intently on Renjun’s hands working on the laces on his wrists. He looks like he gained weight too, his cheeks looking chubbier and God those lips—

Jaemin might’ve felt that and Jeno looks away before Jaemin could even catch his eyes from the mirror, shifting his gaze outside the car and watches the buildings and houses change from one to another. He wanted to fret, ask Donghyuck and Renjun where they’re taking him, make a fuss about his train schedule, but somehow Jaemin’s presence alone makes him coil up. He’s too embarrassed to make any small movement or to even breath and it takes all his strength for Jeno to lean his weary head on the window. 

For someone who got dragged here, Jaemin looks too calm, and maybe Jeno would look like that too, if he wasn’t red on the face or so he wishes. Renjun blasting the radio and singing along with it only adds up to the noise in Jeno’s heart and he really didn’t appreciate the nasty look Donghyuck is sending him from the side mirror so he closed his eyes. That way, he wouldn’t worry about Donghyuck’s disoriented driving, he didn’t have to witness Renjun’s funny expressions whenever he sings out of tune, and he didn’t have to see Jaemin. 

_“You pretend you don’t see him but you’re too aware of his presence. Loosen up, Jeno.”_ He remembers Renjun tells him once. They were gathered around the football school field for the fire drill and it happens that Jisung and Chenle came to their area dragging Jaemin along. To say the least, Jaemin doesn’t look comfortable too, perhaps he couldn’t hold his nonchalance too when Jaemin excused himself telling them he’s being called to the office when in fact every one in the faculty is also at the field. They can only pretend much, and it didn’t even take long for everyone to notice. 

_“Jeno hyung, are you and Jaemin hyung not okay again?”_ Chenle asked him some days after the field incident. Jeno told him they aren’t, told him about the mess—the kiss. Chenle didn’t ask much, pulls him into a tight hug and tells Jeno that he’s there if he needs someone to talk to, and if he needs money, he jokingly says making Jeno laugh. The catch of telling Chenle was he didn’t need to worry about lunch the following days because he didn’t show up on their table tagging Jaemin along anymore. Sometimes, he shows up with Jisung. Jeno thinks Jisung already caught up with the situation too, if he hears from Chenle about the conflict between him and Jaemin. Jisung doesn’t calls him on the hallway anymore, doesn’t invite him on games anymore, and doesn’t tell Jaemin whenever they run to each other in the hallway. They only exchange those awkward smiles whenever their eyes meet and Jeno doesn’t think losing a friend for a selfish reason was worth it, what more is losing your best friend for the same shit. 

When Jeno comes to, it was darker outside and he internally panics when he looks out the window, eyes growing wide at the unfamiliar location. He blinks and blinks and no matter how many times he blinks, it’s the same alleyway of tall trees Jeno is certain he’s never been before. “Where are—“ Jeno didn’t continue when he sees the way Jaemin flinches from his sleep from the rear-view mirror, knowing it’s his loud voice that caused it. He had forgotten about him for awhile yet he didn’t dare crane his neck to look at his direction. 

“It’s just today, Jeno. Please.” Donghyuck turns to look at him and Jeno panicked when he moved his eyes away from the road. 

“Woah woah!” Renjun screamed and makes a move to take over the steering wheel but Donghyuck pushed him off. 

“Hey eyes on the—the road.” Jeno gasped but whispered the last part. There’s no use being quiet because it seems Jaemin is already awake too. But the thought of Jaemin listening to his voice, the thought of him looking at Jeno, the thought of being under his attention, there’s an intense feeling to it that is plague with guilt and Jeno hates that he still feel this way now when he’d done it too easily before. 

From the front seat, Renjun looks at Jeno’s direction and there’s a worried expression on his face that Jeno returned with a small smile. “I promise Hyuck and I will drive you to your hometown tomorrow.”

If they are arguing now that there's no way Donghyuck will do it, Jeno doesn't register but just nods thought he still doesn’t understand where they’re taking him. 

When they’re finally freed from the long run of tree alleys, they’re met by the sea and the pinkish skies of the setting sun. It was pretty. The skyline illuminating the quivering path across the water. He lets Renjun pulls him out of the car but he didn’t look when he hears Jaemin protests to Donghyuck of “Why do you keep manhandling me today? Do you wanna fight?”

It’s the way Jaemin says it, with his gentle voice, and you can tell that he was smiling from the sound of it, which it the complete opposite of the words he just said. Jeno knows him for a long time, and Jeno knows that Jaemin only speaks of rainbows and butterflies, always too afraid to hurt anyone with his language. 

Jeno smiles to himself, always amused to have met someone who is a personification of love. He smiles at the setting sun that came like fire, it’s pink now turning into red and orange painting the whole vastness of the skies, terrifying yet so beautiful. 

“Hey, give me your phone. Let’s take a picture.” Renjun tells him. 

“Oh, it’s in my bag in the car. Where’s yours?”

“Let me get it.”

Jeno nods and watches him makes his way back to the car, and like a flash of unthinkable events that happens all at once..... the slamming of the car door, the engine starting, Jaemin standing on the railroad in awe, and Donghyuck and Renjun peaking out from the window waving their hands and the car begins to move, 

“Don’t worry. We’ll get back at you later.” Donghyuck promises. 

“No vehicles pass by here and I’m not sure if there are wild animals or not, but,” Renjun shouts, looking out the window with his upper body, “but make sure to talk things out, okay?!”

“I love you Jeno, I love you sometimes, Jaemin. But I just have to!” Donghyuck sounds from a distance. “The cottage is half an hour drive away!”

Jeno stood there, frozen and he could only watch their retreating car. He starts to feel the cold all over his body as he takes in the situation, it’s him and Jaemin alone on an unknown place away from the people. It shouldn’t be a surprised and he already guesses it from the beginning, with Jaemin involved, but he just didn’t think that Donghyuck and Renjun will take this prank to this extent where there’s no way out. Should he run and follow the car? Tries to catch up to them until one of them takes pity on him and let him get inside? But that’ll be too tiring and it’ll be difficult to catch up now from the distance. Should he run the other way? But that’ll be too dangerous and he doesn’t even know where he is nor the path they passed through. Should he just stand there and watch the skies and wait for them like they promised? But how far are they going to take this joke and what if they decide to comeback at midnight and it’s not even 6pm yet. Also, it’s not gonna change that he’s alone with Jaemin on a place they both don’t know. 

“He’s lying. It’s not that far. We can start walking now before it gets late.” Jaemin says. 

Jeno’s heart beats fast to hear the words from Jaemin directed at him. “You’ve been here?”

Jaemin nods. “There’s a cottage here that belongs to Chenle’s parents. I’ve been here before.”

It’s a mistake to look up on Jaemin’s face finally. To see him with uncertain expression that probably mirrors Jeno now from the tension between. It’s like he had something to say, too, 

“Jaem—“

“Jen—“

They say at the same time. But Jeno doesn’t know how to continue and before he could think of the words, Jaemin speaks again. “Let’s go?” Jeno nods and bit his lip, looking at his feet on the ground and watches Jaemin take a step, following behind him. 

The place was quiet and serene, with only the sound of leaves hustled by the gusty wind. The path on the side of the road is covered in hard rocks and fallen brown leaves and the pace of their steps is slower with every mudded area that appears occasionally. The sunset is later overshadowed by the tall leaves and only the crimson skies illuminated their way, most of the light posts are broken or off. The wind gets colder and it hits on Jeno’s skin to the bottom of his spine. He didn’t notice the huge stone ahead and hits his toe in it that he stumbled forward, at the same time Jaemin turns to him and catches him on his arms. 

“I’m sorry.” He mutters, pulling back in an instant. Jaemin’s skin burning against his. 

“Jeno, your hands are so cold.”

“I’m okay.”

“No.” Jaemin says, stern. He takes off his jacket, walk behind Jeno and put it on Jeno’s shoulder. 

“But you’re cold too—“

“I’m fine, I’ve been wearing it for a while now. You should warm up too.” Jaemin smiles at him and _oh God_ how Jeno misses that. Jaemin’s pretty teeth when he smiles, Jaemin putting others first before himself. 

“Thank you.” Jeno says. The jacket smells like Jaemin when he wraps himself in it, his favourite perfume and his favourite shampoo. “I like this.” Jeno says before he can even think about it. 

“Hmm?” Jaemin turns to him, eyes curious. 

There’s an overwhelming courage inside Jeno’s chest, like he's ready to spill his guts and to break his heart, it’s strange yet warm and he says, “The smell of your jacket. This. Just being near you like this.”

“Jeno...” Jaemin stopped in front of him, making Jeno halt. There’s a flicker in his brown eyes, coloured by the skies, when their gaze locked and Jeno’s trapped in the comfort of them again. 

“Jaemin, I’m sorry for always leaving you behind. I’m sorry that running away from you is my answer to everything that went wrong between us.” Jeno lowers his head. Jaemin’s eyes are incomprehensible, deep seated emotions swims in them, although beautiful. 

“Jeno.” It resounds in Jeno’s head, the way Jaemin would say his name with his raspy voice. “I kissed you. I understand why you would run away from me after that.”

“But I kissed you back.”

“Yes, but, I know you were just carried away—that you were just confused as I am. I know what I’m about to say is not going to make sense but— I did that— I kissed you because I thought you were going back with Doyoung, and that you will leave me again. But it was a mistake and I wasn’t thinking right and it ends up worse. I’m sorry, Jeno.”

Jeno aches. “Really?”

“Wh-at?” Jaemin stupidly asked. 

“Didn’t you do it because Jisung and Chenle celebrated their first month in your apartment the night before that?” Jeno questions. He happened to see their pictures on social media and their GC and it's the only reason Jeno could think of of why Jaemin would kiss him, because he was too vulnerable that day, too pained and too needy.

“Hey.” Jaemin frowns at him, a pout visible on his pretty lips. “Why would I kiss you because of that? Did you think that I’m using you to get over Jisung?”

_Yes_. He doesn’t say. “Then, why did you? Why did you kiss me Jaemin?” Jeno asked this, knowing there's nothing else to lose and there's nothing else to break and he's hurt too much for this to affect him.

It’s a mistake to look up because Jeno finds himself lost in the galaxies of Jaemin’s orbs again. He watches Jaemin licks his lips and how his gaze travels from Jeno’ eyes down to lips. Jeno got it so bad, he wonders if Jaemin can feel it. 

“Because I want to.” Jaemin says, keen, and such conviction sends a tingling to Jeno’s spine. “For a long time now. I wanted too.”

“For a long time?”

“For a long time.” Jaemin repeats. “I wanted to. Ever since you left on that summer break. No, I think it’s the year before that when we graduated high school, you were so happy you kept hugging me. Or maybe, maybe our junior prom when you looked so good in suit and your hair up? I was smitten Jeno. Maybe, probably, ever since Hyuck introduced us with each other. I’ve been wanting to kiss you.”

The thumping in his chest is louder in every second, waiting for the moment Jaemin would announced he was just joking while Jeno, hopeful, breaks in sheer humiliation. But it didn’t come even after Jeno’s eyes wanders the entirety of Jaemin’s handsome face, sees every ends of his eyelashes, counted how many of his teeth shows when he smiles wide like that. “Stop lying.” 

But is it bad to actually consider that all the sweet gestures Jaemin was showing him ever since is because he’s trying to romance him all this time?

“Come on, Jeno. Do I look like I’m lying to you?” Jeno shouldn’t have provoked him with that answer because it had Jaemin leaning in closer. A cold hand was placed on his nape as Jaemin tries to hold him on eye level and swears they’re a breath a way but there’s something playful yet glint on Jaemin’s eyes when he blinks. 

“But you—but you like Jisu—“

“I liked him. But it’s you that I love and there’s nothing brotherly about the way I feel for you, Jeno. What about you, Jeno? Why did you kiss me back?”

It’s written in Jeno’s eyes, the answer to Jaemin’s question and all he had to to is to look at them and read. But if he needs more, then maybe he could kiss Jeno again. However, anything that goes on in Jeno’s head is only for him to know but Jaemin feels like a safe place, a blue haven, where he can pour his heart a million times. Jeno was about to open his mouth, ready to trust his heart and hand it over to someone once again. 

Just then, Jaemin laughed. He started giggling, pulling Jeno closer so their foreheads touch. “You don’t have to say anything yet, Jeno. I want you to think about it more." He sounds nervous, Jeno can tell. "Let’s go to the cottage before it gets darker.” 

_I’ve thought about it enough._ Jeno is too dazed, and lets himself be pulled by Jaemin as they continue to walk the winding path of trees and tall grasses. It’s hard to think that he’s in an unfamiliar place, dark and cold, not when Jaemin holds his hand so tight like he doesn’t want to lose him. 

The sound of the crickets joins the cold air and none of them have said a word since. Jeno’s feet starts to hurt from stepping on the small rocks on the road and for how long they’ve been walking. He remembers Jaemin said it wouldn’t take half an hour and Jeno could’ve sworn he’d finish singing two albums in his head but he has yet to sight the cottage they were talking about. Jeno was about to ask at the same time Jaemin says, “I’m sorry, Jen. It’s really far, not half an hour away. I only said that so you wouldn’t run away from me earlier.” 

“It’s fine. We can just meet them halfway.” Jeno’s heart melts when Jaemin looked back and smiles at him. 

They spot the cottage perched on a plane and sandwiched between a huge 30 meter tank and giant windmill. The walls is made up of red painted wood, the patio looked empty with a table, two chairs and a stilled yellow light above it. There’s a smoke rising from the chimney and when Jeno followed it with his eyes, he’s notice that after a huge lot is another cottage to it’s left and another one at the back. It seemed like a small village of cottages far apart from each other and the windmills aligned with it. 

“It’s here.” Jaemin says and they walked down the grassy crouched low ground. 

Jeno notices Donghyuck’s car parked right in front of the cottage. “You’ve been here before, huh?”

“Chenle took us here on Christmas break.”

“With Jisung?”

Jaemin hummed. Something inside Jeno’s chest aches. “Are you hungry?” 

“A little. But I’m really thirsty right now.” Jeno answers as they climb the front step. Some beads of sweat starts to form on Jeno’s forehead and he takes off his jacket and hands it back to Jaemin who knocks in. For a few seconds, no one answers and Jeno was about to suggest that he rings the bell instead but the door unlocked when Jaemin twisted the knob. 

They were welcomed by a terrified Jisung who stepped back in shock, his usually small eyes became large. “H—hyung!? What are you—how did you—“

“Sung—ah, what took you so long to answer the door?” Jaemin ask, voice deep. 

“I just—I didn’t know who would it be so I was scared.” Jisung says, apologetic, clasping his shaking fingers to his chest. “But how did you get here, hyung? Isn’t your car at the workshop?”

Jaemin hummed. “Where’s Hyuck and Renjun? They left me and Jen at the coast.”

“Huh? That’s like so—so far from here!?”

Jaemin placed a hand on Jeno’s back as they stepped in. The cottage looks like a normal house except for the chimney and the huge frames windmill paintings on the maroon painted wall. As they walk further inside, they spotted Renjun and Donghyuck passed out at the couches and Jeno is terrified at this info thinking what could’ve happened if they waited for them at the coast to pick them up and it seems Jisung wasn’t informed that they were there to do any actions, they didn’t have their phones either. 

“Chenle’s in our room asleep, hyung, are you hungry?” Jisung asked. He blinks up at Jeno and Jeno coils at how the subject of his jealousy is nothing but a sweetheart. 

“Yeah, but, can you lend a room for the two of us right now?” Jaemin tells him.

“What?” Jeno says at the same time Jisung says, “Huh?”

“For us, two.” Jaemin repeats. 

“Wait—why would we—“

“Oh, here here.” Jisung leads them to the second room to the left and points at the door. He still looks uneasy, probably still scared from imagines of who could be behind the door. “This should be Renjun hyung’s room but I guess he’s fine at the couch.”

Jisung hasn’t even finished speaking yet but Jaemin is already pulling Jeno inside. “Wait, Jaemin, what is—“

“Jisung-ah, no one’s allowed to disturb us here, okay?” Jaemin warns, his arm around Jeno’s shoulder tightening.

“What are you saying!?” Jeno flushes red. 

“Wa—wait! What are you gonna do to Jeno hyung!?”

Jaemin shooed him away and locked themselves in. Jeno frees himself from his arm and backs himself to the door. The room looks like those of hotel rooms, white walls, large double bed, dimmed flourescent on the ceiling, and a shower room. There’s a leather jacket on the desk and a sling bag Jeno knows belongs to Renjun which reminds him of the backpack that he and Donghyuck took and wonder where it is. His mother is probably calling him lots now. 

He watches Jaemin’s back fixing the blanket and the pillow from the bed. “Uh... Jaemin what are you—are you going to do to me?”

There’s a pause before Jaemin looks back at him, his expression unreadable when he tells Jeno, “What do you think?” He grabbed Jeno’s arm with little force, but Jeno doesn’t really fight and lets himself be pulled to the sit on the edge of the bed. “I have to feed you.” Jaemin says with a sensual smirk and Jeno swore he can feel his heart beats out of his ribcage. 

“Jae-Jaemin, don’t you think it’s....it’s too fast..?”

When Jaemin snickered, it’s the only time Jeno could let out the breath he’s been holding. He watches Jaemin kneel in front of him, and he’s smiling again, looking up at Jeno. “I was going to get us food outside, what were you thinking?” He ruffled Jeno’s hair and he leans in to the touch, though embarrassed at his own thinking. 

“Do-don’t joke like that.” Jeno says, still red on the face. 

“I was just trying to scare Jisung.”

“You scared me more!”

Jaemin laughed again,he got up from the floor and meets Jeno on eye level, a handsome smile on his face with his lips closed. “I wouldn’t do anything you don’t want me to, Jeno-ya.” He promises. 

Jeno nods, endeared and didn’t hold back the smile that makes it’s way to his lips even when he doesn’t know what it meant, nor what is between him and Jaemin now. In fact, he hasn’t answered to his confession yet. He knew he need no time to think about it, the answer was loud and clear, if only Jaemin allowed himself to hear it. He wonders if Jaemin is just as afraid of rejection as Jeno is. 

When Jaemin comes back, his hands are full with a tray of two cup noodles, a bottle of water and a mug of Jeno can already guess is coffee. He placed them on the desk and hands a cup and the bottled water to Jeno that he downed in a second. “Jaemin, earlier when you said—“

“Hey, don’t say anything yet.” Jaemin cuts him again, his eyes look restless when Jeno finds them. That’s when Jeno figures that he is indeed scared. He crouched down in front of Jeno, fingers fiddling with his knees when Jeno took the cup with his hands. “We shouldn’t talk about this when your hungry and tired. I, out of nowhere, confessed to you, I know you need time to think about it.”

The fact that Jaemin doesn’t want to pressure him over something that will leave his own heart hanging, always putting other’s first before himself, that’s so Jaemin, and Jeno could only adore him even more. “Why?” Jeno asked after swallowing a mouthful of noodles. “Haven’t you noticed that I like you, Jaemin?”

Jaemin looks up at him with a soft gaze, the front of his teeth showing like he was awed or he didn’t understood what Jeno said, at the same time he fingers on his knees stopped tapping 

“The night at the Eiffel Tower, no, I think it was long ago before that...” Jeno considers this thoughts in his head after a long time. 

“You’re kidding. You’re just trying to copy what I said.” Jaemin muses. “I sort of bluntly asked you, if you wanted to be with me. Then your expression tells me you were gonna say no so I saved myself by asking you to go to Paris.”

_Oh. You’re right I was. But it's more like I rejected myself, rejected what I really feel, and not you._

“And I always see your expression whenever Donghyuck or Renjun would tease us. You look, I don’t know, annoyed.”

_Oh._ Is this why Jaemin is quiet every time Hyuck and Renjun are on teasing mode, that Jeno mistook for him feeling awkward about the whole agenda?” What do I look like?”

“Cute.” Jeno snorts. “But aside from that, it had me certain that you didn’t like me.”

“What do you expect? I know you like Jisung.”

“That’s beside the point.”

“No, that is the point. Hyuck and Renjun kept saying that you like me, I’m not supposed to feel anything when I know there’s somebody else you like, am I?” Jeno put down the half empty cup on the desk to focus on Jaemin. 

“Hyuck’s been teasing us before we even know Jisung.” Jenoo nods to agree. “Hey, Jeno, can we be honest with each other now? I know there are matters at hand we’ve always avoided and I think now’s the right time we talk about it. I need answers from you, and I’m sure there are things you want to ask me as well. Is that okay?”

Jeno hummed. He pulled Jaemin up in the arm so he sits on the bed beside him, not wanted to be distracted and tongue tied by the intensity of Jaemin’s stares, automatic hand landing on Jeno’s knee cap. It’s been years and he’s still not used to it. And what more is to know that Jaemin loves him with those eyes? 

“What do you want to ask me?” Jeno asks first, though nervous. 

“Can I hold your hand?”

Jeno nods and hopes the yellow light could hide away his blush when he felt Jaemin’s fingers runs gently on the back of his palm and holds it tightly. “Do you still love Doyoung?”

Jeno was caught off guard even when he already expects Jaemin would ask that one way or another. “I don’t know. I didn’t feel it when I talked to him or when I see him. I don’t think about it anymore. I guess, not anymore?”

Jaemin nods and Jeno can see from the corner of his eyes that he was smiling, Jaemin’s finger playing with the ring on Jeno’s thumb.

“Why are you smiling?”

“It had me thinking.... I don’t have to lose you to him again.”

Jeno feels an ache in his chest, knew it was his fault for leaving Jaemin, but it quickly subsided when Jaemin rested the top of his head on the crook of Jeno’s shoulder. 

“Back then, in middle school, I’ve always wondered what would do if you’d find out that I like you.” Jaemin starts, his voice quiet and gentle.

“Middle school?” Jeno asked him, flushed. 

Jaemin hummed. “I even asked Donghyuck to introduced me to you. I guess he already told you? But I supposed you didn’t believe him because he jokes around all the time.”

“No, he didn’t tell me anything about that.” Jeno responds. If he remembers correctly, Donghyuck only started teasing them both later into the friendship when Jaemin becomes closer to Jeno than he is to him. He doesn’t recall anything about what reason he would introduce Jaemin to him on the second day of class when Donghyuck barely even know him, too. 

“I’m surprised.” Jaemin chuckled. “I always see you and him in grade school. I was happy when we’re finally on the same class in middle school. I know it sounds crazy but I sort of followed Hyuck to the restroom on the first day of class to ask if he was your boyfriend. He said no, then he laughed and told me not to worry and he’d introduce me to you if I’d like. I asked him if it was really okay and so he did the next day.”

This is what Jeno remembers on their second day of middle school: It was on their P.E classes and their teacher asked them to paired up for a paired activity. A basketball shooting and it needed two person so the other could help pick the ball while the other shoots and the pair with the highest score would win. Jeno’s heart breaks when Donghyuck elbowed him on the waist to say he wasn’t going to pair up with Jeno because Jeno was bad with basketball when in fact he believes he can play better than him, then he pulled a guy who walked past them, who looks just as surprised because that’s not something you do to a classmate you barely knew but then again, it’s Donghyuck who can do everything he wants as he can handle himself perfectly all the time. Yet, Jeno feels bad because the guy looked so confused yet kind as they stare at each other until Donghyuck speaks, _Hey, my friend Jeno here doesn’t have a pair. Do you mins if you partnered with him, mister._.?” There’s a small pause before the guy is smiling and says _“Jaemin. Na Jaemin.”_ He seemed really nice so Jeno didn’t argue and the activity went smooth that their pair got the second place from the scores. To that day, they ate lunch together, sit together in classes and walk home together. 

“I can’t believe Donghyuck didn’t tell me that.” Jeno voices out his thoughts. 

“He probably didn’t believed me. What would you have done if he told you, though?”

“I don’t know.” Jeno shrugs. “It never occurred to me. You’re charming to everyone else so I wouldn’t know. Besides, you never told me about your crushes, about who you like, and I didn’t want to ask what you don’t want to tell me. When we met Jisung, though, he’s all you could talk about so I guess it was pretty obvious. You never tell me about him, too, until the last time we talked about it.” He says honestly. 

“Was it too obvious?”

Jeno hums. “He’s all you can talk about. Even when were in Paris.”

“He was the closest to me! Like Hyuck and Renjun to you.” Jaemin says with a laugh. “And were classmates on every classes and we live together. So—“

“Fine.” Jeno snorts. “You really don’t have to elaborate that.”

Jaemin snickers and Jeno gave him a sharp look. “Don’t be jealous.” The proximity gives Jeno a closer look that he starts to wonder if had Jaemin always been this handsome, or talking about love had Jeno utmost at appreciating him. “I never asked who you like, because I was afraid it wouldn’t be me. Hyuck was right, I’m a coward and has always been.”

Jeno is reminded of the kiss that Jaemin told him to forget. 

“I kissed you because I don’t know what I’d do if you ever get back together with Doyoung. I’m so sorry for surprising you like that.” Jaemin whispers, voice low and apologetic. “Been loving you for a long time yet and wanting to display it without words seemed impossible. If only I wasn’t this much of a coward...”

“About that, stop saying sorry.” Jeno tells him. It’s both their fault, for Jeno kissing him back. He wanted it, too. It may have caused both of them to suffer yet became the core of these confessions. “I love you too, Jaemin.” He admits and felt Jaemin smiles on his shoulder. “I’ve always do, but I didn’t imagine I’d actually be in love with you. It felt insane. It felt, I don’t know, embarrassing. And I’m still not over why Hyuck spared my life when I told him about it. He didn’t even laugh which scares me even more.”

"I love you, I love you, I swear," It tickled when Jaemin nuzzled his face on Jeno’s neck, laughing. “I didn’t planned this with them, by the way. They dragged me out of from my bedroom.”

Jeno believes that and notes of the shoelace tied on Jaemin’s wrists earlier. “I’m sure. They dragged me too.”

“I was certain you’d use those muscles to finally beat up the two idiots.” Jaemin says and squeezed Jeno’s arm for emphasis. 

“I kind of— just— when I saw you.. I don’t know. In the car I just—felt mortified. I couldn’t even-even speak when I saw you looking at me.” Jeno admits. 

“Really? Mortified?” There’s a playful tone when Jaemin says this, and rests his chin on Jeno’s shoulder. “Thought you’d say smitten.”

“W-what?”

“I could’ve sworn your jaw dropped and I kept seeing you looking at me through the rearview mirror. I had to glance at you every now and then to check if you weren’t drooling, did you miss me that much? Or was I just too handsome, Jeno?”

“W-what are you saying? You’re- are you insane?” Jeno stammers but didn’t shy away when Jaemin placed a careful finger under his chin to make Jeno look at him. The proximity is making Jeno’s heart race. He didn’t drool, of course that’s too much, yet he couldn’t deny that indeed he was smitten, and that he missed Jaemin so much and his egotistic humour. 

"Don't worry, you're not so bad yourself." 

  
Jeno ignores that, too intrigued at how Jaemin's face can still look angelic wearing a smile so nasty that he failed to resist when Jaemin push him down on the bed with his back flat to the mattress. It felt warm, it felt natural, and Jeno didn't complain when Jaemin hugged him on the middle, burying his face on the rapid beating of Jeno's chest. It's a relief to have Jaemin this close, too comforting and too safe. 

  
"The machine guy told me my car will be okay the next day. Can we come home together by then?" Jaemin asked and Jeno felt the vibration of his every word in his chest, face still burried there. 

"I was thinking of actually coercing Hyuck to drive me home tomorrow since he dragged me into this," Jeno muses, and is reminded of the time he drove the two of them to the airport no matter how it was against his will. Donghyuck might seem mean all the time but he actually just couldn't say no to anybody, although he wouldn't admit to it. "but, I'm glad you offered." 

  
"I don't know how long the guys are planning to stay here but we can stay until the next day. I'll borrow Renjun's motorbike to get my things at my flat." Jeno isn't very much paying attention to what he's saying but he understands him, careful thumb tracing the curve of Jaemin's eyebrow. It's looks the same from when they were younger, thick and neat.

  
"I'll come with you and help you pack." Jeno smiled down at him. 

  
Jaemin rises up and scoots so he's face to face with Jeno. While they're looking at each other, Jeno had noticed how Jaemin's gaze travel down when he licked his lips.He knows of Jaemin's habbit of looking at people's lips when they're talking, but Jeno isn't talking now. Before Jeno could even register what Jaemin is doing, the younger leans down to connect their lips. For a few seconds, Jeno just stills to feel him, Jaemin's soft lips against his and not moving. Jeno doesn't know it if it was him or Jaemin who started pressing the kiss harder, or if it was them both. But it didn't take long before Jaemin tongue's at his lips for entrance and Jeno gives in immediately, opening his mouth wide and kissing Jaemin back just as much.

  
It's different from their first kiss, that being rushed and unsure. This time, it's sweeter. He grabbed the back of Jaemin's hair when the younger sucked at his tongue, unable to suppress the tiny moan that escapes his lips and Jaemin swallowed it that it almost didn't make a sound. He lets Jaemin take control, so eager and lustful like he's memorizing every part of Jeno's mouth and counting tracing all of Jeno's teeth with his tongue. 

  
He lets out a loud guttural groan when Jaemin's long nails scraped at the skin under the waist band of his pants and the younger quickly mouths an, "I'm sorry.", pecking him on the lips one last time before pulling away to mouth at his jaw. Small whimpers escapes his lips when Jaemin starts kissing him down on the neck and he shivers when the younger sucks at his collarbone. He's all flushed, clasping his hands on his mouth to suppress the noises when Jaemin starts licking at the sensitive spot on his chest and nips his teeth at his nipple. 

  
Jeno is a mess, eyes closed, and head spinning as he imagines the hungry look Jaemin must be sending his face right now. The younger had always been gentle with him, and he wasn't sure if he wants to see Jaemin in this lustful state, so strong and dominant, and he certainly didn't want to see his smirk as he watches Jeno so submissive like this. Dazed with his every touch and mewling his name. "Jae-jaemin." 

  
Jeno is only able to let out a breath when Jaemin pulled away, too high on tension. When he thought their hot session was over, Jaemin tugs at the hem of Jeno's shirt and Jeno doesn't register how quick he was to rise and help Jaemin pull it over his head. Jaemin dived in for another kiss that didn't last long, gliding his mouth to suck at Jeno's adam's apple. His breath hitched when Jaemin tongued at his belly button, occasionally skimming his tongue on the expanse of Jeno's abs. He flinched, a sharp moan when he felt one of Jaemin strong palms gripped on the inside of his thigh. "Sh...shit." 

  
Jeno froze and almost jumped away when there was a loud knock from the door, panicked hands had him pushing Jaemin off of him but the younger didn't back away completely, half of his body still draped on Jeno's legs.

  
"Hyung, hyung?" It was Jisung's voice from the other side of the door. "Jaemin hyung. I forgot to say the walls around this house is thin so please keep it down and keep the fun to yourselves if you don't want the other's to hear you, okay? Don't worry, Renjun hyung and Donghyuck hyung are still asleep. But you might wake Chenle on the other room if you keep doing--that. Okay."

  
Jeno is still frozen, jaw locked when Jaemin looked at him and he must be very flushed on the face right now. Meanwhile, Jaemin doesn't look anything like it and there's a playful smile on his face when he winked at Jeno and shouts to the door, "Aye aye, captain. You can leave by the door now, though. Or unless.... you wanna join?"

  
Jisung lets out a strange shriek and Jeno can hear loud footsteps fading from outside their room. A sudden wave of frailty makes it's way to Jeno's chest when he thinks maybe Jaemin wasn't joking and that was certainly an invite because he wanted to kiss Jisung as much as he wants to kiss Jeno. Maybe he shouldn't have kissed Jaemin at all because he still couldn't rival Ji--

His train of thoughts was cut when Jaemin lifts his chin up with careful fingers and their eyes meet. "Stop thinking too loud." He says, connecting their lips once again and Jeno understands. Letting Jaemin hold him closer and closer.

  
They didn't get to talk much that night. 

The first thing Jeno noticed when he stepped in Jaemin's room is it looks the same as it was from the last time he had visited. They arrived at eleven o'clock in the evening and grabbed dinner at a restaurant somewhere. Jaemin's parents waited for them and they chat for a bit at the living room before Jaemin's father tells them to rest and even offered to drive Jeno home the next day to which Jaemin instantly opposed and says he will do it. Jeno used to be so comfortable talking with them, but the air that night was different. Maybe because it's hard to make eye contact with the parents of the guy he just kissed and feel up inside the car.

  
The next day at the cottage, Jeno was terrified to leave the room knowing Renjun and Donghyuck will give them shit about being in one room together for the whole night-- sure they've been in one room for many nights in many occasions but they all know last night was different. Jeno remembers stepping outside the room with shaky legs and shaky fingers when Renjun dragged him and Jaemin to the kitchen, to which, contrary to the teasing that Jeno thought, was a long ass scolding for being, as Renjun said, _"Idiot love birds took so long to date because they're too cowards to talk about their feelings."_ Sure he wasn't wrong about them being cowards but Jeno doesn't exactly know all the details of this ordeal, if he and Jaemin are already boyfriends but he's certain they need to talk about it more which should've been settled for now if only they don't end up kissing each other when it's just the two of them alone. 

  
"Hey, Jeno." 

  
Jeno snapped out from his train of thoughts and from the window, looked at Jaemin who was sitting on the bed. There's something about Jaemin that feels so enourmous, his presence alone that Jeno is too aware of, and what more when he his attention on him, with Jeno being trapped inside his eyes. 

  
"Why?" He asked.

  
"I love you."


End file.
